Movies That DON’T Stand The Test of Time (but you wish they did)
8commentsI’m a sucker for an old classic on television. The other night I caught The Princess Bride on TV, and it makes me laugh every time. Sometimes all I need to hear is, “you fell victim to one of the classic blunders – the most famous of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia.” Many movies linger in our memories like this, and stumbling upon them on a random Sunday afternoon is pure delight. We all know the great ones, but sometimes we don’t talk about the others. These are the movies you may have loved the first viewing, or maybe you were too young to be discerning, but since then, they have soured.
Time and time again, I’ve remembered a movie to be pretty awesome. Then, a decade or more later, I’ve re-watched it and been embarrassed. I’m embarrassed I thought it was so good, and I’m embarrassed for the film in general. I imagine we all have these films, but here is my list of films that if you haven’t seen them – don’t. And if you have, keep them tucked away in your memories, where they are in a much kinder place than the light of current times.
Obviously, this is my list, and I’m not talking about obviously horrible films. I’m talking about the ones you thought were awesome, but are finding harder to defend these days. I’m convinced I’m right on these ones, but I’m open for debate.
1. JFK
... (cont'd)
How to Insult Friends and Alienate People (Without Even Trying!)
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Of course, I now find myself in the midst of WEDDING PLANNING! Wedding-stravaganza! Wedding-palooza! So many exclamation points. So many questions. So many decisions that need to be made. And, frankly, my fiancé and I don’t really care about a lot of them. We’re big fans of simplicity. We’re going with an iPod in lieu of a DJ. My aforementioned sister is my Maid of Honor and only attendant and she can pretty much wear anything she wants. Centerpieces? Wedding favors? Photo locations? Simple, simple, simple. The smaller the better.
Is The Bachelorette a Bummer?
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Emily’s fiance died tragically in a plane accident just days before she learned she was pregnant with his child. Emily is now a single mom raising her daughter in North Carolina. While all of this is touching, it seems to go against the drinking, partying, multiple episode make-out sessions, plus bonus bikini time of every regular episode of The Bachelor series. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, it just seems like it will be harder to make fun of a woman saying things like “I just really want to find my husband here” when there is an adorable 6-year old child in tow.
The Zeros Field Guide
The Ambiguously Gay Guy
[conflictious sexualous or homus streisandticus]
A chameleon-like variety of man which causes confusion and frustration in prospective mates; this species tends toward cleanliness, vanity and an inexplicable love of footwear.
See: Ryan Seacrest
The Manslut
[masculus rakehellious]
A feral variety of the male species, known for copulating with a large variety of females. Indigenous to nightclubs, frat houses, and often found in close proximity to reflective surfaces, this nomad is frequently found in packs of other Mansluts. This animal uses its appearance and charms to lure its prey.
Synonyms: Gonorrhea Boy, Mario Lopez or Colin Farrell.
The Verbal Masturbator
[oralivis beat-offitum]
This species spends most of his time with others talking only about himself. Believing his every move is important and must be regaled, and do so, loudly and repeatedly, especially to the woman he believes so lucky to be his date. His unique hearing seems to only be able to discern accolades and the sound of his own voice above everything else.
The Dead Electrician
[disappearaveatum inexplicti]
A rare breed of males that after spending happy, fulfilling, seemingly normal times with a wonderful woman, disappears off the face of the earth and never calls again. Signs of dead electrician disappearing behavior come in coded messages such as ‘I’ll call you later,’ “Let’s make plans for this weekend,” or “I’ll call you Friday when I’m on my way over.”
The Cheapskate
[dutch-treaticus infinitum]
A variety of male that hordes its resources to the detriment of its mate.
The Mirage
[perfectus prevaricatum]
Projects the image of perfection, luring unsuspecting females to the parched dessert of disappointment and despair.
The Big Talker
[bullshitkus perfectus]
An intuitive form of chameleon, this breed can accurately access the needs of potential mates and will verbalize his intentions to meets these needs. He will meet none of these needs.
The “Nice” Guy
[politea blanditus or pleasantillum lacklustericium]
A common species of man that suffers from delusions of nicety as the reason of their inability to secure a mate. Have an inability to admit to their other characteristics such as needy, boring, insecure, socially awkward or bad in bed.
The Virtual Man
[texticus ad nauseus]
The species creates an impression of closeness called a Virtual Relationship through near constant indirect communication. This specifically modern species of man is known for poor grasp of spelling and grammar, and also known for expressing all feelings through emoticons. Anthropologists suspect this genus will, over time, develop engorged thumbs due to excessive texting and may die out do to no actual physical interactions.
The Little Friend
[minusculis shaftivitum]
A species known for their expensive modes of transport, they are endowed with a penis of inadequate size. While this alone does not make them an undesirable potential mate, it doesn’t help. Often this species will attempt to overcompensate their unfortunately small member with an unfortunately large ego.
The Jockstrap
[sporticus obssesum]
The specific male species so obsessed with a sport, their team, their fantasy football league, fantasy baseball league and sports center updates that they have little time for reproduction or even copulation. Experts recognize this species by the excess hot wing consumption and empty pizza boxes littering their female free abodes. Can often be heard from a distance yelling, screaming or cursing their beloved teams.
The Closeted Addict
[bacanalus coverti]
Known for his ability to ingest large amounts of questionable, and often illegal, substances, while giving little indication of this behavior.
Recent Comments
Andy commented on Movies That DON’T Stand The Test of Time (but you wish they did) -- Maybe not your cup of tea, but what about Highlander? Like the story line but wow, on a rewatch, so much cheese and bad acting. Did you hear there's a Red Dawn remake on the way? Oh yeah...
Claudia Maittlen-Harris commented on Movies That DON’T Stand The Test of Time (but you wish they did) -- I was OBSESSED with Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (which is what saved it from this list). Today it's a little painful, but from someone who saw it 5 times in the theatre, who am I to judge? Top Gu [...]
Dan commented on Movies That DON’T Stand The Test of Time (but you wish they did) -- I CANNOT watch Top Gun now. I feel so embarrassed for the actors, and for myself loving it as a kid, that I become physically unable to sit and watch it. It's just cringe-inducing. In case you have [...]
