We dated the Zeros… so you don’t have to.


7 Great Movie Heroes That Would Really Be Relationship Zeros


url-1Who among us hasn’t come home from a blockbuster movie with a major crush on the movie’s hero? We may be too old to plaster our walls with the pages of Teen Beat, but that doesn’t stop us from daydreaming about being swept away by the object of our cinematic fantasy. I can’t tell you how many hours I spent during my early teens creating elaborate scenarios which would end with Johnny Utah from Point Break wrapping me in his arms. Yes, I knew he was a fictional character, but my crush on him was real. If these fictional characters came to life, would the reality live up to our fantasy? If given the chance, would we actually want to date them? With today being the release of A Good Day to Die Hard, 25 years after the original Die Hard (one of the greatest action movies of all time), I thought it was appropriate to revisit some old school movie heros. 

Here are 7 movie heros that would most likely be relationship zeros.  Think about it… Captain Jack Sparrow may have a sexy swagger, but he’s also a ragging alcoholic and prone to cheat.


1. JOHN McCLANE:  Die Hard 


No one has done more for barefooted heroism than Die Hard’s John McClane, and no one has better one-liners. Is it commendable that he’s trying to work on his marriage? Absolutely. If you’re trapped in the Nakatomi building or a highjacked airplane, he’s totally your guy. If you’re looking to spend a romantic evening together, he may not be. I just can’t imagine him cuddling on the couch watching “Top Chef.” Also, the man of action with a quip for every occasion works well in a movie, but day after day, it would start to get annoying. And he’s clearly still hung up on his ex, which is never good.

2. JASON BOURNE: The Bourne Identity

What’s not to like about Jason Bourne? He’s sexy, smart, is fluent in who knows how many languages, is well traveled and can handle himself from Compton to Kabul.  He can also fashion a deadly weapon with a ladle or a desk set. But does that make him boyfriend material? First of all, there a good chance you’ll be killed by the second date.  Once Treadstone, the NSA, some covert CIA operation, the Russians or whomever else Jason had pissed off got wind that he thought some chick was hot, she’d be their next target. Second, how would that get-to-know-you-conversation go down?

You: Yeah, I grew up in Wichita. What about you?

Jason: (long silence) After bailing on a secret assasination plot, I was shot repeatedly and left to drown. Since then my only flashbacks have been of my first kill and some sketchy memories of brainwashing and interrogation. (awkward pause) I once broke a guy’s neck in Topeka.

And finally, say goodbye to your car.  Jason will have to borrow it due to some crisis involving ex-KGB agents and within 20 minutes it will be smashed to bits and left on fire in some abandoned warehouse. Imagine that conversation with your insurance carrier. I doubt Geiko would be very understanding.

url-33. FERRIS BUELLER:  Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Charming, clever, and dashing – Ferris Bueller was the teenaged version of James Bond: women wanted him and guys wanted to be him. Would you want to hang out with Ferris? Yes. Invite Ferris to a party? Absolutely.  Fall in love with Ferris? No way. Why? Every other woman wants a relationship with Ferris.  Never would one man who isn’t a rock star or professional athlete be offered so many three-ways.  He would be the Tiger Woods of the Chicago suburbs. Also, he’s proven to be a very capable liar.  If you suspected he was cheating on you, you would turn into Ed Rooney trying to catch him at it. No one wants that.


4. WILLY WONKA: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Obviously the Johnny Depp Wonka is way hotter than the Gene Wilder version, and he seems like a dream guy.  He’s original, witty, a successful entrepreneur, he loves kids and has unlimited access to chocolate. Perfect… until you take a closer look.  He may seem generous with the whole golden ticket thing, but the orange colored little people which he uses to run his “business” seem a bit exploited in a serfdom/plantation manor sort of way. I’m not saying the Oompa-Loompas are slaves, but they do seem like indentured servants.  Most employees I know don’t come running to a specialized whistle.  And without reading too much into it… is it healthy for a grown man to spend all his time with children? He’s definitely more interested in the kids than their parents. I’m just saying.

url-25. CAPTAIN KIRK:  Star Trek

You can go with the updated Chris Pine version or kick it old school with William Shatner. Either way, Kirk is one sexy captain. But he’s also a total man slut. I’ve learned the hard way that it is no fun dating a ladies man. And with Kirk, ‘ladies’ includes any female organism he might encounter in his space travels.  I don’t even want to think about the virulent extraterrestrial STD to which you’d be exposed. Even if he did stop his space-slutting ways, if it ever came to a choice between you and the fleet, he’d pick the fleet every time. Ultimately Kirk’s duty is to his ship. He’s married to Spock and the Enterprise, so even the love of his life would come third. Which is good for the fate of Earth, but not so good for a relationship.



It’s hard not to crush on someone who saves lives, let alone whole cities and humanity as we know it. Whether he has an actual super human power, or he’s just supernaturally rich with super cool gadgets, these guys seem like a catch. However, saving humanity tends to be pretty time consuming, so any lady in their life is going to have to be willing to be stood up regularly.  These men can barely commit to a dinner date let alone a relationship. They also tend to be a little moody. Maybe if you’ve just gone through a breakup or you only have time for a friends with benefits situation, then Tony, Bruce or Clark is the man to call.  For anything remotely committed, steer clear and go for the chiseled, hot, but boring business associate.

7. DANNY OCEAN: Ocean’s Eleven

First played by Frank Sinantra, then by George Clooney, Danny Ocean is one smooth guy. He can wear a suit and swig some whiskey like no other. Besides being easy on the eyes, there is little else that would be easy about a relationship with him. First, there’s the prison stint. Even if you can get past dating an ex-con, he’s always one mishap away from going back to prison. Danny is quite the planner and if he ever wanted to throw you a surprise party, it’d be a show-stopper. Danny does have an impressive roster of friends, but you’d have to get accept at at least a handful of them popping by unannounced at all hours.  It is highly likely you’ll have to put a few of them up after a botched con. Which would be fine if it were Brad Pitt’s character, but more likely you’d have the old Carl Reiner sleeping in your guest room for who knows how long.


4 Responses to “7 Great Movie Heroes That Would Really Be Relationship Zeros”

  1. January 19, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    **fans self** Danny Ocean. Yum.

    • Claudia Maittlen-Harris January 19, 2011 at 12:20 pm

      I think we can say yum on a lot of these guys! I’m a Jason Bourne fan myself. But longterm, words like ouch and bastard would be more likely:)

  2. January 20, 2011 at 1:25 am

    I don’t care what you say, I’d do Jason Bourne in a second!

    • Claudia Maittlen-Harris January 20, 2011 at 1:56 pm

      Ha ha. I agree I’m a Bourne girl myself. I’m just saying ending up floating in the Yangtze River with a bullet in my head might make me pass on his passionate moves.

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