We dated the Zeros… so you don’t have to.

05
August

A Girls’ Guide To Las Vegas

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Las Vegas always seems to conjure up images of men behaving badly. From The Hangover, Swingers, the Rat Pack, bachelor parties and overused phrases like “What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas” or “Vegas, baby, Vegas.”  Either way, Vegas clearly has a dude image. We rarely see the girl’s side of things.  As I embark on a girl’s weekend in Vegas (my 3rd in a the last year!), I have a few rules.  These rules are here to help – take some, leave others. I can’t say if they are 100% reliable. They are merely based on my own silly, sometimes random, but always memorable Vegas experiences.

 When in Doubt, Wear Sequins

I don’t know how or why it started, but there are things you’ll wear going out where you live, and then there are the things you’ll wear in Vegas.  Dresses get shorter, heels get taller, boobs get bustier. Aside from a killer Christmas party or New Year’s Eve, I never wear sequins. Yet, when I pack for Vegas, sequins seem appropriate and wise.

 If you Gamble, Go During the Day

By no means am I a gambler. I wish I was.  But I am a quick learner, and I know how/when to do it.  Walk up to a craps table or blackjack (you’ve got the best odds) in the middle of the day and watch for a few hands.  Men usually love to teach women how to do things. This is the time to take advantage of that (I shelve my notions of sexism when in Vegas) and focus on winning some money. During the day, it’s less packed, people are more casual, the tables aren’t crowded and if you don’t feel 100% confident on how to play, the old guys are happy to help you learn.  Ask questions but do not upset the other players. You’ll be surprised.  Everyone at that table is there to beat the casino.  If you sit down at a blackjack table and don’t take valuable cards hitting recklessly, listen to the old guys, smile and have fun – you’ll do okay. Well, sometimes. Vegas is a fickle bitch.

Stick With the Girls

Men prey on women in Vegas.  You’re constantly being sized up.  I think many are so over-sexed with go-go dancers, strip clubs, the topless shows, and the idea that anything goes in Vegas, it’s wise to stick with your girls.  I’m not trying to be a hook up Debbie-downer, I’m just saying hooking up in Vegas makes me think of the beginning of a horror film. And chlamydia. Have a great time, just be careful.

Keep Dancing

One way not to spend all your money and have an amazing time (and a pretty decent workout) is to dance. I feel like the older I get, the less dancing is in my life – except when I go to Vegas.  I love to dance at nightclubs. Dancing is also good remedy to avoiding a vicious hangover the next morning.

If you can go during the week – do it

Vegas is pricey. But it’s a steal if you can do a Monday-Wednesday or Tues-Thursday.  Also, there are less people, it’s easier to get tickets to shows, the tables are open, and no one is by the pool.  I know it’s not always easy, but if you can swing it, Vegas is worth a weekday visit.  And just ask a cab driver what the best clubs are on that particular night.  The cab drivers in Vegas know everything.

If you Win at the tables one night, don’t go Back

Vegas gives you one night, if you’re lucky.  If you play Texas Hold ‘Em, poker, blackjack, Craps – whichever it is, you get one chance at winning.  So if you have a great night and win some money, don’t go back the second night.  Even if you have a good time on the slots and win money. Walk away.  They’ll take it back and more if you try to repeat it.

The Pools Are More Like a Club Than the Club

When I was a little kid, I always wished I could go to the MTV beach parties. My sister had a crush on Dan Cortese, and I thought it looked like the coolest place to be.  I now feel I get to relive this child fantasy at Vegas pools.  Especially the Palms and Hard Rock.  In real life I like a more chill pool/laying out experience. Not in Vegas. Pool time is club time. Music is pumping. Every woman has a body like Gisele. And I can think Dan Cortese or Eric from The Grind is hosting the event.

And Finally….

Never drink Ass Juice

I know this sounds obvious. That’s what I would have said.  Except you may end up at a dive bar where their official drink is “Ass Juice” and it’s only $4.  You may think ordering it is funny and ironic.  You may think you can handle your liquor. You can’t.  You’ll only end up puking at the Jack in a Box in Barstow during the middle of the day, while you overhear a little girl tell her Mommy that you’re gross.  But that’s just what I’ve heard.

Vegas wouldn’t be Vegas wouldn’t breaking some rules. I tend to break #6 everytime. So have a blast. Get the girls’ together and go to Vegas. You won’t regret it. But trust me on the ass juice.

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