We dated the Zeros… so you don’t have to.


Academy Award Nominee Winner or Total Zero?


The Academy Awards are this weekend.  Get ready for umpteenth questions of “who are you wearing,’ teary-eyed speeches, Billy Crystal (so we’ll all feel like it’s the 90’s again), and lots of thanking their agents, lawyers, moms and Jesus.  I’ve seen a fair amount of the movies, and I thought I’d rate the Academy’s idea of a winner and a Zero.  Filmmakers are rarely picky about the qualities of their protagonists.  They can make even a drug-dealing, killer likable.  So let’s focus on the nominations for Best Actor.

There are a variety of men – Mexican, English, French and American. For the most part, all really sexy (even Gary Oldman has some swagger), and all really talented.  But going by their characters (and character flaws) in these award-nominated roles, which would be the best to date? (Obviously work with me and the layers of fiction we are talking about).

Let’s take a look at the characters nominated for Best Actor.

Demian Bichir (A Better Life)
Bichir plays undocumented, Mexican immigrant, Carlos Galindo, who works hard for his son to have a better life.  Of course, all hell breaks loose while working without papers or a driver’s license.  While Carlos is a loving father and a hard-worker, that whole illegal immigrant status/no green card is definitely worrisome. Also, Demian Bichir played the scary, Mexican druglord in Weeds that was into rough sex with Nancy Botwin – so he still kind of freaks me out.

George Clooney (The Descendants)
Yes, everyone is excited at dating George Clooney, but his character, Matt King, is a despondent husband and completely detached dad.  He’s cheap (although he comes from a rich Hawaiian ancestry and owns half of Kauai), disconnected from his wife and children, and wears way too many Hawaiian shirts.  However, after the turmoil concerning his comatose wife and newly found humanity after some interesting bonding time with his kids – you could catch him on the upswing.  Don’t forget the sweet vacation property in the family.  However you are getting a cheap, disconnected man forced to be a better person and father only once his wife is in a coma.

Brad Pitt (Moneyball)
Even though it’s Brad Pitt, you better like baseball. He plays real life general manager of the Oakland A’s, Billy Beane.  The movie is about Beane’s attempt to put together his team using statistics and analysis of the players – it’s a bit more complicated than that – but see the movie.  About Beane? He’s divorced, dedicated to his job and his team (i.e. never home), but does have a sweet, truthful relationship with his teenage daughter.  As long as you’re prepared for his long absences, workaholic tendencies and an ex-wife as beautiful as Robin Wright Penn, you’ll be okay.

Gary Oldman (Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy)
Oldman plays George Smiley a old-school, spy within the British intelligence.  While Smiley is diligent, loyal and clever, all those cat and mouse games mixed with repressed British emotions and an inability to communicate his feelings might not works so well for the average American gal.  Smiley is fairly old and stodgy, but would probably be a hit at any British retirement home.

Jean Dujardin (The Artist)
Dujardin plays the debonair and dashing movie star of the silent pictures George Valentin.  Now it’s hard to fully base an idea of dating a fictional man who doesn’t speak a word in this quirky. silent film.  However, I will try.  Valentin sees some serious career highs, and some shockingly bad lows. Not to give anything away, but dating Valentin would be like dating MC Hammer trying to make a comeback, then again maybe it’d be like John Travolta after Pulp Fiction – it’s hard to tell. On the plus side, he’s French -so charming, growing old gracefully, and possibly back on the road to glory.  All in all, not a bad deal.  


Leave a Reply

Subscribe to Comments via RSS