We dated the Zeros… so you don’t have to.

07
July

Are Boobs the Be-All-End-All?

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The other day another friend talked to me about how she wants to get a boob job. She’s attractive, in her 30’s and the mother of 2 kids.  My first reaction was to say no!  You look great just they way you are, it’s not necessary, think of all the amazing things you could do with the money, etc… But it’s hard for women to listen to me because I’m a 34DD (not by choice, just genetics).  In fact, this blog is brought to you by two fairly busty women.  One of the many things Megan and I have bonded about over the years (besides dating, men, Jane Austen, BBC, Steven Soderbergh films, our girl crush on Tina Fey) are our boobs. We’ve both got DDs, and it’s not something either of us were always super excited about.  I know men hate hearing a woman complain about her boobs. We get it, you love them. And no man will ever complain about having a really large penis, so they don’t get it.

But what people don’t understand is getting boobs at an early age when you’re unprepared for unwanted attention, being sexualized in grade school, or just not being able to wear certain clothes. T-shirts with phrases across the front can be really uncool when two letters are tucked in your armpit while the lettering is stretched across your boobs.  Or maybe it’s when “one size fits all” does not fit all.  We’re not complaining that we were born with big boobs, it’s just that they come with certain other attributes.  Like arm fat (find me a woman with naturally D+ boobs and naturally long skinny arms – not the ones earned from endless bicep and tricep curls, well don’t actually, because I’ll hate her). Or a tendency to gain weight in your hips or abs. Or bra straps that dig into your shoulders and leave horrible red marks, or back pain, or the assumption that you’re dumb or easy.  I’m blond with big boobs. Once a man saw me sitting at a bar reading a book and said “that’s remarkable.”

I know many smart, beautiful, awesome women that have had breast implants (and I’m not judging them – I certainly can empathize with not feeling comfortable with a part of your body and if surgery can fix it, then why not). But these women got to think long and hard about the exact size and shape they wanted. Trust me, they rarely choose DDs. They all want a C. In fact, so do I.  If I could give surgically share my boobs and we both end up with C’s, I’d be fine with that.  Also, these women often have great figures so they just enhance something already pretty awesome.  Strapless and backless dresses don’t send them into a fashion tailspin.  They got breasts in their 20’s, so they are aware and in control of their sexuality – not a teenager that freaks out when random guys check out their boobs at the mall, or some guy’s dad gives them a creepy stare at a high school pool party (thus leading to years of oversized t-shirts).  And due to the strength and resilence of silicone and saline, they don’t have to put their boobs in lockdown if they want to exercise.

But I’m not here to rail against big boobs. Men love them, women want them, and they’ve been idolized and exploited for years. That’s not changing, nor am I trying to. But last year, I worked for a social media marketing company and I had to do some “boob research.” Yes, my job was to find interesting statistics about boobs for a graphic to promote a website (not porn, I assure you). But what I found shocked me.  8% of American women have breast implants (95% of which are caucasian).  And women with breast implants are three times as likely to commit suicide as other women and face a tripled risk of death from drugs and alcohol use.  I’m not trying to be a Debbie-boob-downer, I guess I just wish boobs weren’t the answer. Is bigger better? I think the state of Texas is an example of this not always being the best policy.

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One Response to “Are Boobs the Be-All-End-All?”

  1. July 7, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    This natural 34dd comedian can beyond relate. The first time I did standup I changed my shirt at least 8 times. I especially hate when I see something that says “casual”, then I try it on and somehow it now says “I am ready and willing to boink you and ALL of your friends”. The upside? Asses are the thing now. The leading surgery amongst young women is the Brazilian but lift…great.

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