Articles By Clara
Life Lessons My Daughter Won’t Learn in Pre-K
+commentAs a mother, I want what’s best for my daughter and I make sure she’s prepared for the different obstacles life will throw at her. As soon as she was born, I taught her French. Once, she could hold her head up, I taught her how to scribble, now that she can open my wallet, I taught her how to count. Of course, it goes without saying that I enrolled her in pre-school long before she was conceived. During school tours I was stunned to discover that playing dumb was not part of the curriculum. We all know that sometimes the best self-defense for women is to play dumb, yet schools don’t teach the basic skills required to effectively achieve that goal. How can we expect our girls to be successful and safe in this world if they don’t know how to defend themselves?
Sex Manipulation For Dummies
+commentAfter being dumped by a drummer boyfriend who lived rent-free in my apartment for 2 years, regularly spent my waitressing tips on booze and crashed my car, I took a hard look at myself and decided… no more. I told myself from now on I will manipulate men into doing whatever I want, besides I’m tired of taking out the trash and I need someone to do it for me. More to the point, I’m tired of watching all my girlfriends lounge around in their comfortable red sofas while their boyfriends do everything in the house. Cooking, cleaning, ironing… you name it, those guys do it all. My house is a mess and I’m tired of cleaning it myself.
The Zeros Field Guide
The Ambiguously Gay Guy
[conflictious sexualous or homus streisandticus]
A chameleon-like variety of man which causes confusion and frustration in prospective mates; this species tends toward cleanliness, vanity and an inexplicable love of footwear.
See: Ryan Seacrest
The Manslut
[masculus rakehellious]
A feral variety of the male species, known for copulating with a large variety of females. Indigenous to nightclubs, frat houses, and often found in close proximity to reflective surfaces, this nomad is frequently found in packs of other Mansluts. This animal uses its appearance and charms to lure its prey.
Synonyms: Gonorrhea Boy, Mario Lopez or Colin Farrell.
The Verbal Masturbator
[oralivis beat-offitum]
This species spends most of his time with others talking only about himself. Believing his every move is important and must be regaled, and do so, loudly and repeatedly, especially to the woman he believes so lucky to be his date. His unique hearing seems to only be able to discern accolades and the sound of his own voice above everything else.
The Dead Electrician
[disappearaveatum inexplicti]
A rare breed of males that after spending happy, fulfilling, seemingly normal times with a wonderful woman, disappears off the face of the earth and never calls again. Signs of dead electrician disappearing behavior come in coded messages such as ‘I’ll call you later,’ “Let’s make plans for this weekend,” or “I’ll call you Friday when I’m on my way over.”
The Cheapskate
[dutch-treaticus infinitum]
A variety of male that hordes its resources to the detriment of its mate.
The Mirage
[perfectus prevaricatum]
Projects the image of perfection, luring unsuspecting females to the parched dessert of disappointment and despair.
The Big Talker
[bullshitkus perfectus]
An intuitive form of chameleon, this breed can accurately access the needs of potential mates and will verbalize his intentions to meets these needs. He will meet none of these needs.
The “Nice” Guy
[politea blanditus or pleasantillum lacklustericium]
A common species of man that suffers from delusions of nicety as the reason of their inability to secure a mate. Have an inability to admit to their other characteristics such as needy, boring, insecure, socially awkward or bad in bed.
The Virtual Man
[texticus ad nauseus]
The species creates an impression of closeness called a Virtual Relationship through near constant indirect communication. This specifically modern species of man is known for poor grasp of spelling and grammar, and also known for expressing all feelings through emoticons. Anthropologists suspect this genus will, over time, develop engorged thumbs due to excessive texting and may die out do to no actual physical interactions.
The Little Friend
[minusculis shaftivitum]
A species known for their expensive modes of transport, they are endowed with a penis of inadequate size. While this alone does not make them an undesirable potential mate, it doesn’t help. Often this species will attempt to overcompensate their unfortunately small member with an unfortunately large ego.
The Jockstrap
[sporticus obssesum]
The specific male species so obsessed with a sport, their team, their fantasy football league, fantasy baseball league and sports center updates that they have little time for reproduction or even copulation. Experts recognize this species by the excess hot wing consumption and empty pizza boxes littering their female free abodes. Can often be heard from a distance yelling, screaming or cursing their beloved teams.
The Closeted Addict
[bacanalus coverti]
Known for his ability to ingest large amounts of questionable, and often illegal, substances, while giving little indication of this behavior.
Recent Comments
Claudia Maittlen-Harris commented on 5 Reasons You Should (Must) Break Up With Your Boyfriend -- Don't feel embarrassed. I wouldn't be able to write it if I hadn't been there. The best part is recognizing it and moving forward. You said this was you 6+ months ago, which is awesome, because now it [...]
Candy commented on 5 Reasons You Should (Must) Break Up With Your Boyfriend -- It's pretty embarrassing reading this and seeing myself 6+ months ago. Literally every sign pointed to this. I especially loved the part about your at-home life becoming reflected in your relationshi [...]
TheGirl commented on Do we expect our men to be Superman? -- Yeh...my blog series is kinda on the same line, that guys are not superheroes. Even when they try to be. if you're in love with someone you already see them perfectly despite their flaws.
