Articles By Claudia
Sex with The Bachelor
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In my investigation (and yes, we are using that word loosely), I found an old friend who’d been on a season of The Bachelor and asked her the pivotal question: Did she sleep with the Bachelor? You can read her answer in the aforementioned interview, but what I thought was the most interesting thing she said was her advice to women who go on the show: ” You have to go in with a mindset that you’ll be dating the same guy as your friends.”
Women Aren’t That Different From Movie Studios: High Expectations, Bad Results
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Tomorrow the movie Contraband, starring Mark Walberg, comes out. While this looks like a semi-interesting action film, we know that it must suck. Why? It’s January. January is traditionally a crappy time for new movies…Either way, good intentions and talented people often make up the crap of January movie releases. But as I lament this weekend’s releases (Contraband or Joyful Noise), I realize how many dates and relationships are really January releases. They start with the best intentions and sound like a really good idea. Instead they end up either completely forgettable, a cringe-inducing story, or just some guy’s name where your best friend says “Remember Ian?” and you make a really uncomfortable face.
The Bachelor from Jane Austen’s POV (and Ben, you’re no Darcy)
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Maybe coming off my Sunday night high of watching Season 2 of “Downton Abbey”, a tv show that hasn’t made me this excited about television since “Sex and the City” and “The Wire” were both on the air; my watching “The Bachelor” felt especially cheap and tawdry… I started to wonder what the ladies of Downton Abbey would think of the ladies of The Bachelor. And to take it one step further, what would the grande dame on all things love and marriage think – What would Jane Austen say? Jane Austen’s brilliant novels and her clever observations of a world with many young, marriageable women navigating a delicate world of too few eligible bachelors would make her an expert of the world of “The Bachelor” (minus hot tubs, bikinis, and the overuse of the word ‘like.’) So taking a page from Austen, here is my interpretation of a letter Jane might pen to her sister after last night’s episode of ABC’s “The Bachelor” (or if she was forced into one of those uncomfortable and somewhat creepy discussions with host, Chris Harrison):
ABC’s Worst Television Sitcom Ever.
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Hopefully you missed it, but ABC unleashed something truly awful last night. I feel like watching it would be like watching when Belloq released the spirits from the Arc of the Covenant in The Raiders of the Lost Ark and faces melted off. While melted faces were spared, ABC’s dignity and my faith in their programming were not. Last night was the premiere of the sitcom “Work It.” Yep, it’s a show where two men dress in drag (unbeknownst to their friends, wives or co-workers) for laughs?
When Did I Become an Asshole? When I discovered my personal Newman.
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In real life, there is no nemesis that drives you forward. It’s just someone that gets in the way of your life, steals little moments of happiness, and generally drives you crazy. At least that’s my new conclusion, since somehow, my nemesis is my barista. Yes, I hate the guy at my coffee shop.
A letter to the Open Bar at Mary and Tom’s Wedding
+comment…I don’t want to sound ungrateful for all the good times we’ve had together and it pains me to critisize you, but after the events of last weekend, this letter can hardly come as a surprise.
The Blowjob Generation-It’s all fun and games until someone gets cancer
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In our world of Jersey Shore and Teen Moms, blowjobs start to seem relatively wholesome. Teens today pass out blowjobs like they’re candy canes at Christmastime. Whenever I start to feel sad about getting older, I like to remind myself that I’m glad I wasn’t part of The Blowjob Generation. I hate to to think of myself as a total prude, but 10th grade was stressful enough without worrying about a) any boy who took me to a dance expecting, instead of a goodnight kiss, a goodnight blowjob and b) that giving these blowjobs would ratchet up my chance for tongue cancer
The Reason Why He Didn’t Call You Back
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We’ve all been there. Hours after coming home from a great date, you start to anticipate when he’s going to call. At first you casually glance at your phone. Before long it becomes an all-consuming thought. By day one, you are casually believing that he plays by the 2-day rule. By day two, you are [...]
Holiday Safety Tips from our Friends at Bedsider.Org
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No one wants to be a Debbie Downer, but sometimes Debbie Downer could be more appropriately called Vicki the Voice of Reason. Lucky for women, and especially young women (an episode of “16 & Pregnant” will quickly remind you who really needs to hear this), there is Bedsider.org. Bedsider is a non-profit online birth control support group – it’s not government funded or paid for by pharmaceutical companies. And while you may think you know all about the birds and the bees, even the best of us could learn more about the difference between a cervical cap, an IUD, or Nuva-Ring.
Do Men Really Love Bitches and other Lessons from Jennifer Love Hewitt?
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Jennifer Love Hewitt’s dating life seems like a tale in publicized-patheticness. Each JLH boyfriend, seemingly getting less famous and less accomplished each passing year, dates her long enough to be considered a bona-fide boyfriend, but even after buying the ring, dumps her. It’s becoming relationship rubbernecking. As a woman who has candidly discussed the Zeros in her past, I can confidently say that I’m glad there aren’t a million photos easily accessible of my Zeros and then rehashed and discussed everytime I go through a breakup. It’s enough to give JLH some sympathy. But the moment I feel any sympathy, I’m reminded of JLH’s book which openly displayed such 1) idiocy 2) complete lack of self-awareness of her crazy, needy, marriage-obsessed self and 3) seems so out of touch with what any woman would want to read or the need as dating advice whatsoever that my sympathy for JLH turns back to ridicule.
The Zeros Field Guide
The Ambiguously Gay Guy
[conflictious sexualous or homus streisandticus]
A chameleon-like variety of man which causes confusion and frustration in prospective mates; this species tends toward cleanliness, vanity and an inexplicable love of footwear.
See: Ryan Seacrest
The Manslut
[masculus rakehellious]
A feral variety of the male species, known for copulating with a large variety of females. Indigenous to nightclubs, frat houses, and often found in close proximity to reflective surfaces, this nomad is frequently found in packs of other Mansluts. This animal uses its appearance and charms to lure its prey.
Synonyms: Gonorrhea Boy, Mario Lopez or Colin Farrell.
The Verbal Masturbator
[oralivis beat-offitum]
This species spends most of his time with others talking only about himself. Believing his every move is important and must be regaled, and do so, loudly and repeatedly, especially to the woman he believes so lucky to be his date. His unique hearing seems to only be able to discern accolades and the sound of his own voice above everything else.
The Dead Electrician
[disappearaveatum inexplicti]
A rare breed of males that after spending happy, fulfilling, seemingly normal times with a wonderful woman, disappears off the face of the earth and never calls again. Signs of dead electrician disappearing behavior come in coded messages such as ‘I’ll call you later,’ “Let’s make plans for this weekend,” or “I’ll call you Friday when I’m on my way over.”
The Cheapskate
[dutch-treaticus infinitum]
A variety of male that hordes its resources to the detriment of its mate.
The Mirage
[perfectus prevaricatum]
Projects the image of perfection, luring unsuspecting females to the parched dessert of disappointment and despair.
The Big Talker
[bullshitkus perfectus]
An intuitive form of chameleon, this breed can accurately access the needs of potential mates and will verbalize his intentions to meets these needs. He will meet none of these needs.
The “Nice” Guy
[politea blanditus or pleasantillum lacklustericium]
A common species of man that suffers from delusions of nicety as the reason of their inability to secure a mate. Have an inability to admit to their other characteristics such as needy, boring, insecure, socially awkward or bad in bed.
The Virtual Man
[texticus ad nauseus]
The species creates an impression of closeness called a Virtual Relationship through near constant indirect communication. This specifically modern species of man is known for poor grasp of spelling and grammar, and also known for expressing all feelings through emoticons. Anthropologists suspect this genus will, over time, develop engorged thumbs due to excessive texting and may die out do to no actual physical interactions.
The Little Friend
[minusculis shaftivitum]
A species known for their expensive modes of transport, they are endowed with a penis of inadequate size. While this alone does not make them an undesirable potential mate, it doesn’t help. Often this species will attempt to overcompensate their unfortunately small member with an unfortunately large ego.
The Jockstrap
[sporticus obssesum]
The specific male species so obsessed with a sport, their team, their fantasy football league, fantasy baseball league and sports center updates that they have little time for reproduction or even copulation. Experts recognize this species by the excess hot wing consumption and empty pizza boxes littering their female free abodes. Can often be heard from a distance yelling, screaming or cursing their beloved teams.
The Closeted Addict
[bacanalus coverti]
Known for his ability to ingest large amounts of questionable, and often illegal, substances, while giving little indication of this behavior.
Recent Comments
Claudia Maittlen-Harris commented on 5 Reasons You Should (Must) Break Up With Your Boyfriend -- Don't feel embarrassed. I wouldn't be able to write it if I hadn't been there. The best part is recognizing it and moving forward. You said this was you 6+ months ago, which is awesome, because now it [...]
Candy commented on 5 Reasons You Should (Must) Break Up With Your Boyfriend -- It's pretty embarrassing reading this and seeing myself 6+ months ago. Literally every sign pointed to this. I especially loved the part about your at-home life becoming reflected in your relationshi [...]
TheGirl commented on Do we expect our men to be Superman? -- Yeh...my blog series is kinda on the same line, that guys are not superheroes. Even when they try to be. if you're in love with someone you already see them perfectly despite their flaws.
