Articles By Claudia
In my investigation (and yes, we are using that word loosely), I found an old friend who’d been on a season of The Bachelor and asked her the pivotal question: Did she sleep with the Bachelor? You can read her answer in the aforementioned interview, but what I thought was the most interesting thing she said was her advice to women who go on the show: ” You have to go in with a mindset that you’ll be dating the same guy as your friends.”
Tomorrow the movie Contraband, starring Mark Walberg, comes out. While this looks like a semi-interesting action film, we know that it must suck. Why? It’s January. January is traditionally a crappy time for new movies…Either way, good intentions and talented people often make up the crap of January movie releases. But as I lament this weekend’s releases (Contraband or Joyful Noise), I realize how many dates and relationships are really January releases. They start with the best intentions and sound like a really good idea. Instead they end up either completely forgettable, a cringe-inducing story, or just some guy’s name where your best friend says “Remember Ian?” and you make a really uncomfortable face.
Maybe coming off my Sunday night high of watching Season 2 of “Downton Abbey”, a tv show that hasn’t made me this excited about television since “Sex and the City” and “The Wire” were both on the air; my watching “The Bachelor” felt especially cheap and tawdry… I started to wonder what the ladies of Downton Abbey would think of the ladies of The Bachelor. And to take it one step further, what would the grande dame on all things love and marriage think – What would Jane Austen say? Jane Austen’s brilliant novels and her clever observations of a world with many young, marriageable women navigating a delicate world of too few eligible bachelors would make her an expert of the world of “The Bachelor” (minus hot tubs, bikinis, and the overuse of the word ‘like.’) So taking a page from Austen, here is my interpretation of a letter Jane might pen to her sister after last night’s episode of ABC’s “The Bachelor” (or if she was forced into one of those uncomfortable and somewhat creepy discussions with host, Chris Harrison):
Hopefully you missed it, but ABC unleashed something truly awful last night. I feel like watching it would be like watching when Belloq released the spirits from the Arc of the Covenant in The Raiders of the Lost Ark and faces melted off. While melted faces were spared, ABC’s dignity and my faith in their programming were not. Last night was the premiere of the sitcom “Work It.” Yep, it’s a show where two men dress in drag (unbeknownst to their friends, wives or co-workers) for laughs?
In real life, there is no nemesis that drives you forward. It’s just someone that gets in the way of your life, steals little moments of happiness, and generally drives you crazy. At least that’s my new conclusion, since somehow, my nemesis is my barista. Yes, I hate the guy at my coffee shop.
…I don’t want to sound ungrateful for all the good times we’ve had together and it pains me to critisize you, but after the events of last weekend, this letter can hardly come as a surprise.
In our world of Jersey Shore and Teen Moms, blowjobs start to seem relatively wholesome. Teens today pass out blowjobs like they’re candy canes at Christmastime. Whenever I start to feel sad about getting older, I like to remind myself that I’m glad I wasn’t part of The Blowjob Generation. I hate to to think of myself as a total prude, but 10th grade was stressful enough without worrying about a) any boy who took me to a dance expecting, instead of a goodnight kiss, a goodnight blowjob and b) that giving these blowjobs would ratchet up my chance for tongue cancer
We’ve all been there. Hours after coming home from a great date, you start to anticipate when he’s going to call. At first you casually glance at your phone. Before long it becomes an all-consuming thought. By day one, you are casually believing that he plays by the 2-day rule. By day two, you are [...]
No one wants to be a Debbie Downer, but sometimes Debbie Downer could be more appropriately called Vicki the Voice of Reason. Lucky for women, and especially young women (an episode of “16 & Pregnant” will quickly remind you who really needs to hear this), there is Bedsider.org. Bedsider is a non-profit online birth control support group – it’s not government funded or paid for by pharmaceutical companies. And while you may think you know all about the birds and the bees, even the best of us could learn more about the difference between a cervical cap, an IUD, or Nuva-Ring.
Jennifer Love Hewitt’s dating life seems like a tale in publicized-patheticness. Each JLH boyfriend, seemingly getting less famous and less accomplished each passing year, dates her long enough to be considered a bona-fide boyfriend, but even after buying the ring, dumps her. It’s becoming relationship rubbernecking. As a woman who has candidly discussed the Zeros in her past, I can confidently say that I’m glad there aren’t a million photos easily accessible of my Zeros and then rehashed and discussed everytime I go through a breakup. It’s enough to give JLH some sympathy. But the moment I feel any sympathy, I’m reminded of JLH’s book which openly displayed such 1) idiocy 2) complete lack of self-awareness of her crazy, needy, marriage-obsessed self and 3) seems so out of touch with what any woman would want to read or the need as dating advice whatsoever that my sympathy for JLH turns back to ridicule.