We dated the Zeros… so you don’t have to.

Open Letters

Summer Wedding Warning: Beware the Open Bar!

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open letter to bar

…I don’t want to sound ungrateful for all the good times we’ve had together and it pains me to critisize you, but after the events of last weekend, this letter can hardly come as a surprise.



Want to send a statement to the Supreme Court? This just might do it.

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Men should be much more outraged about this ruling if only for the simple fact that, in my experience, most men prefer the feeling of sex without a condom.



An Open Letter to Wedding Dress Designers and Bridal Stores

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So why does it seem like you don’t have the bride’s interests in mind? Do you want us all to look like cupcakes or cocktail waitresses? Before I went dress shopping a friend of mine told me “I’m going to wedding dress search for you! I’ll send you pictures of the ones I think are awesome and really ugly ones.” Needless to say, my inbox soon filled with pictures of dresses more at home in a Tim Burton movie than in a wedding ceremony.



Dear Facebook,

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However, there is something I’d like to discuss. Everyday in the upper right hand corner of my profile you tell me about “People You May Know.” It’s your way of saying, “Hey Claudia – you should be friends with this person because you have some mutual friends in common!” But has it ever occurred to you that we purposedly aren’t facebook friends and have casually ignored each other for a reason?… Or yes, I know this person, but we don’t speak and I never want to have anything to do with them again. (These are purely hypothetical examples, of course). So yes, Facebook, I understand that you have good intentions, but you’re bringing up some bad blood, man. Knock it off.



An Open Letter to the Lifetime Network

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I hate to bag on anything pro-women, but really, what happened? I’m sure that when you started as a network, you were a trailblazer. Before E!, We, Oxygen, OWN, Bravo – there was Lifetime: Television for Women – dedicated solely to women’s programming. Awesome. Except you’re not. Instead of documentaries highlighting fascinating women’s stories, showcasing brilliant female directors, mining old films for amazing performances and stories about women, or actually creating quality programming; you decided television for women meant tv movies about women who have been abused, stalked, raped OR are now stalking their abuser, killing their rapists, or fighting the adulteress that stole their man. And you don’t shy away from this programming, in fact, you embrace it with over the top, ridiculous movie titles.



An Open Letter to Taylor Momsen

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Sweetheart, I’m not sure ceasing to be on a hit(ish) teen show on the CW counts as retiring. I should know. I was on a hit(ish) teen show on the CW back when it was called the WB, and when I ceased to be on it, I wasn’t retired… I was just unemployed.



An Open Letter to Woody Allen

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Look, no one doubts your many obvious talents. Just the sheer number of films you write, produce and direct is staggering. Annie Hall is a classic, and I still quote Bullets Over Broadway and Hannah and her Sisters. I know you are a very prolific, capable, smart man. As for your personal life, you could be the role model for a relationship status that reads: it’s complicated.



An Open Letter to Jagermeister

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Dear Jagermeister,

You must be really proud of yourself. I don’t know if it’s marketing, stupidity or just dumb luck that a German digestif has become a drink that conjures up images of puking, bad decisions, fights, and date rape. I’m sure it was never your intention to be the drink of choice for men intent on becoming the most obnoxious, dangerous and stupid guys at the bar. Or the drink for women not wanting to remember the entire night or end up with puke in their hair…. but you are. Well done Jager.



An open letter to Michael Bay

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Dear Michael Bay,

Stop the presses! Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, the Victoria Secret model with no acting experience (aside from pretending for the 30 seconds it takes to walk a catwalk that Victoria Secret underwear isn’t cheap crap) isn’t getting good reviews. What does this mean for the success of your movie, Transformers: Dark of the Moon? Fortunately for you, and unfortunately for humanity, nothing whatsoever.



An Open Letter to Disney

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Since mother’s day is coming up, I think this is a good time to address this issue… Disney, why do you hate moms so much? Snow White, Ariel, Cinderella, Esmerelda, Jasmine, and Belle are all motherless children. And their fathers are so old that I’m concerned these young girls will be orphaned by their 20th birthday. You even kill an innocent deer’s mother and quite savagely at that.  



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