We dated the Zeros… so you don’t have to.


Charlie Sheen – Winning… as the Ultimate Zero


Zeros aren’t always obvious.  They aren’t always wearing gold chains or grabbing their crotch and calling you sugar tits. Sometimes they are  charming, attractive and successful men.  Or they could be millionaire movie stars.

Our book is dedicated to helping women everywhere recognize and avoid the most common forms of Zeros. Occasionally, you run across a guy so toxic that he is actually two types of zeros at the same time… let’s call that unfortunate confluence the Zero squared.

But Charlie Sheen’s recent antics have shown him to possess so many Zero qualities, it’s almost impressive. He’s a Zero to the power of infinity. We’ve collected many stories that fit into the zero archtypes for our book, but never before has one man fit into so many at the same time in such a public way. And yet he is still able to surround himself with women?  It goes to show the power of money and access to major drugs (Although nothing screams louder at me ‘Please use multiple forms of birth control!’ than the thought of Charlie Sheen’s penis).

While the country watches with rubber-necking curiosity at the sad, comical, yet bizarrely compelling downward spiral of Charlie Sheen, I thought I’d document and categorize  Charlie’s Supreme Zeroishness.

The Manslut
This is a man who was involved in the biggest prostitution ring to hit Hollywood (the Heidi Fleiss trial), and actually had to admit in court that he was spending $50,000+ on hookers. Charlie hasn’t tried to hide his super-slutty ways. Yet 3 broken marriages and 5 children seem to say that women always forget this. I wonder what his marriage vows were like, and if they involved the declaration, “It isn’t cheating if you pay for it”?  Charlie sleeps with porn stars the way normal people sleep with pillows. Complete slut.


The Closeted Drug Addict

Or, not so closeted. In fact – he’s pretty open about it.  One of his more recent quotes is “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen.” Well, it used to be called cocaine.  He became a movie star in the 1980’s while he was in his 20’s – so becoming a coke-head was practically required. However, things really got rough back in 1998 when he injected himself with cocaine and overdosed. Rehab followed, Charlie cleaned up his act, joined Spin City, married Denise Richards and appeared to be back on track.  But the mad success of “Two and a Half Men” made Charlie insanely wealthy, which meant… buy more drugs.  He went on a bender and ended up hospitalized. You know things are bad when even porn stars are quoted as saying “I couldn’t keep up with him.”  Currently, Sheen claims to not be taking any drugs, although I think Lithium or Prozac would be highly recommended.


The Verbal Masturbator

This is the type of Zero who talks only about himself and believes his life is amazing and everyone should constantly hear about it. Sound familiar?  I just don’t think I can trust a man that calls himself a warlock. I give these Charlie Sheen quotes as proof:
• “They picked a fight with a warlock.”
• ”I have one speed. I have one gear. Go.”
• ”One of my favorite poets is Eminem.”
• “We’re Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be?”
• ”Let’s hook up and just bring fiery death.”
• ”I don’t know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us.”
• ”I guess I’m just that goddamn bitchin’.”
• ”Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my sabre.”
• ”Mistook this rockstar, bro.”
• ”I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain.”

Often addicts have an inflated sense of their own power and importance, and normally all of this crazy verbal spewing would lead me to feel compassion for him. But I’m guessing even a sober Charlie would be a self-obsessed blabber-mouthed Verbal Masturbator. I’m not sure if anyone will ever know for sure, as that would require him to be actually sober for an entire conversation.

The Mirage

I think Denise Richards could back me up on this one – at one point in his life, Charlie Sheen appeared like a legitimate catch.  She met “recovered” Charlie.  His lifestyle-cocktail of pornstars & cocaine seemed to be a thing of the past. Seemed being the operative word, as their marriage lasted less than 3 years. She left him while she was pregnant with their second child claiming the cause was his drug abuse and constant threats of violence.  Let’s not forget his first fiancee, Kelly Preston.  She called it off when he shot her. Rather, he “accidentally” shot her in the arm.

Or what about his first wife Donna Peele? He was engaged to her when he admitted under oath to spending $53,000 on hookers, including getting a hooker on Christmas. A merry one indeed. Then there’s his most recent wife Brooke Mueller. No one is claiming she’s a saint, but she ended up calling  the police when Charlie threatened her life with a knife. Let’s remember Charlie’s quote “If you’re a part of my family.  I will love you violently.”  Violent Love. That sounds like the name of a Lifetime movie – and when do good things happen to the women in those?

The Big Talker
The average Big Talker promises you everything, and delivers nothing, which pretty much sums up all the nonsense Charlie has been spewing for the last few weeks. I guess women can’t help falling for a man who’s “WINNING!” as much as Charlie.  Maybe his pseudo-psychology mixed with a crazy bravado is attractive to some women.  In case I’d missed some of his winning quotes before, here are some more he uses to impress the ladies:
“My conduct is bitchin’.”
“Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
“I’m rollin’ out magic, bro.”
“I’ve been blessed with a new brain.”
“I dare you to keep up with me.”

I don’t want to accept that dare, Charlie. No sane person does.

So yes, Charlie Sheen is the total package – a package containing absolutely Zero.


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