The Zeros Before

Does Your Relationship Have the Awesomeness Factor?

The Science of Awesomeness in Relationship Success

Recently I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, Freakonomics, when they hosted a live game show/talk show, “Tell Me Something I Don’t Know” where guests would try to impress judges with things they didn’t know. One of the guests, Melissa Schneider, a dating and relationship counselor told the judges about something very interesting. Basically, researchers really want to know what makes couples stay together or breakup. What makes a successful couple? Well, did you know you need to have the awesomeness factor? I’ll let Melissa explain…

“So people always want to know what should I be looking for in an early dating relationships, what predicts that it’s going to be successful or breakup? There’s great research done in 2010, looked at 37,000 dating couples in different countries, and they looked at 30 factors that had been studied at least four times to figure out like what actually matters? What makes a difference in who stays together and who breaks up. And the number one factor was a big surprise to everyone conducting the study. It wasn’t commitment, or love, or trust, or the things that you’d expect. It was something called the “awesomeness factor.” That’s what I call it. It was actually called “positive illusions… but I like to call it the awesomeness factor because the criteria was basically that you think your partner is great, you think your relationship is kind of better than all your friends’ relationships, but you wouldn’t tell them that. And you feel like your partner is close to like your quirky sense of ideal for you. And it didn’t just matter in dating. It actually also mattered in marriage. One study that looked at newlyweds and kind of evaluated this factor found that three years later satisfaction had dropped for everybody, except, one group. Guess who it was? The people who had a high awesomeness factor the day they walked down the aisle. And I just celebrated my third wedding anniversary, so I can give an anecdote.”

The study Melissa was talking about was Predicting nonmarital romantic relationship
dissolution: A meta-analytic synthesis.

I have to say, from personal experience, I think this rings true. I’ve been married two years, and I totally believe my husband is ridiculously awesome and we click in a really fun, unique, quirky way. While I realize that tons of people must think this about their marriage to have researchers call it “positive illusions,” I will say it is a healthy and powerful ingredient to enjoying each day with your partner.

Here is more of Melissa’s explanation of a couple’s “awesomeness factor” and questions she was asked by the judges at the Freakonomics “Tell Me Something I Don’t Know” show:

DUBNER: Now, are both of you awesome or just one? Does it take two? Is he awesome and you’re eh?

MELISSA: That’s a good question. It’s actually your perception of your partner. And they have found slight differences if your partner just thinks, like, you’re lame.

PATERSON: Well, I’m really glad you cleared this up. I always thought the test was whether or not the passenger opens the driver’s seat door, like in A Bronx Tale.

GLADWELL: So you’re saying, when you say positive illusions, do you mean to say that those who have this are people who are, have a, are misled about the virtues of their partner. So in other words they think their partner is better than the partner actually is.

MELISSA: Yes and no. So, I think the early researchers maybe had a hard time with dating. If you read their papers and they’re like, ah the rose colored glasses, they don’t know what they’re looking at. But it actually turns out that if you think your partner is awesome, they actually become a bit awesomer over the course of your relationship, so there’s kind of like this self-fulfilling, you know…

GASTEYER: It’s your perception of their awesomeness that counts. They could be super gross to someone else, super unawesome, or foul, one might say. But you personally find that person to have a super awesome quality.

MELISSA: That’s right. Perception is reality. So if you think that’s true, it impacts your whole experience of the relationship.

GASTEYER: So it is rose-colored glasses, but manifested over a lifetime.

MELISSA: But they work, and they seem to matter. Yeah.

PATERSON: But aren’t people deceived that way by the same process?

MELISSA: Now, you sound like the early researchers. So perhaps.

I found the discussion fascinating and recommend everyone to check out all the great discussions on the Freakonomics podcast, but to all couples out there, I sincerely hope you have the awesomeness factor… and that by thinking your partner is awesome, he/she actually becomes a little more awesome.

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