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Don’t Be a Holiday Parking Asshole


Holiday season is in full swing, so I’m going to say it right now. It’s up to you not to turn into a parking asshole. We all know who these people are – they are overly aggressive, they steal parking spots, they park like morons, and they make the very first step in a long day of shopping, errands, groceries, etc. so annoying and taxing that by the time someone walks in a store, they are ready to punch someone in the face.

One of the worst culprits for horrible parking and parking rage is Trader Joe’s.  I love Trader Joe’s. Great prices. Great wine. Lots of goodies to choose that make a non-cooker like myself eat pretty healthy and easily. However, Trader Joe’s hates abundant parking the way kids hate eating their veggies. Entering a Trader Joe’s parking lot is like entering Thunderdome.  That being said, the story below happened to my sweet friend with her two little girls in the backseat. She emailed several of her friends to vent (and not possibly rear end someone).

“First of all, fuck that TJ’s and it’s sorry excuse for a parking lot.  I was waiting for a parking spot for 10 minutes, had my blinker on, you know the drill and you know where this is going.  She came from behind me! Behind me, sped past me and I almost hit her with my car. Thats when she did it. She took my spot. I honestly thought it was a joke or someone I knew based on how ridiculous this was.  I laid on my horn and she finally got out. I pulled my car up behind hers and said, “You’re joking, right?  You saw me because you were behind me. I’ve been sitting here 10 min.” The bitch said, “that’s your problem.” I then said, “No, you need to move now. ” She said nothing, then started texting and laughing at me at the same time. Then her boyfriend got out of the car and they started laughing at me.
I then said, “Oh that’s the thanksgiving spirit I was looking for. Really nice guys. I cannot wait to see you inside the store with both my kids.” And the bitch said, “No honey. Your ass won’t see me inside cuz your ass will still be looking for a parking spot.”  She fucking said that.

Here’s where you have to make the right decision in life because you are a mom with kids in the car and it’s not a sitcom where I can poop on her car while she’s inside or something of that nature. I dont know her story. She might have a shitty life. I have an awesome life, I’m really blessed. I can’t get mad at this situation when the whole reason I’m even at trader joes is to buy fancy cheeses for Thanksgiving like the white lady I am. And that’s where you have to leave it. But I really do wish I would have smeared my baby’s shit-filled diaper all over her windshield.”


One of the reasons I love this friend is she had the ability to contain herself, and not go ballistic in front on her kids. I don’t know that I wouldn’t have rear-ended this bitch’s car just because a) it was a great scene in Fried Green Tomatoes and b) she deserved it. Also, the string of expletives that would have flown out of my mouth before I even remembered I had kids would probably have been so foul, disgusting, offensive and disturbing, that I shudder to think of the harm I would have done to ANY children in the nearby vicinity.  But this story shocks me – that someone is that rude and yet, proud of themselves?

But this story made me think. Most of us, at some point, have been a driver that drove someone insane. Maybe we weren’t a total bitch, like the above story, but aggressive or a bit rude. So I say, don’t be that person. Know that you will find a spot.  Forgive some crazy person that is freaking out to get their 5-layer bean dip.  Obey the parking rules. If you got there and have your blinker on first, it’s yours. Everyone else, back off. Park further away and walk. Trust me, this alone will probably add a year to your life in terms of less stress on your heart and less time wasted waiting for a close spot and actually walking towards the store. But should you come across someone as disgusting a human being as that Trader Joe’s bitch, then I say, grab that dirty diaper and smear shit all over her crappy car. If not for the shear joy of the moment, do it for my friend.


2 Responses to “Don’t Be a Holiday Parking Asshole”

  1. November 30, 2011 at 2:35 am

    maybe a parking spot isn’t really something to get so upset or angry about. it’s just a parking spot. if someone steals yours, find another. life is too short to waste time on something so ridiculous.

  2. November 30, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    Agreed. That’s crazy that someone can be so mean and rude over a parking spot. But I have been the patient person waiting for the driver of a land rover in front of me to decide where she’s going to park and when I honk to make her move, she gave me the finger and twisted her head outside her window and around so she could try to see me. CRAZY!!!

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