We dated the Zeros… so you don’t have to.

29
March

Game of Thrones Relationship Rules

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Game-of-Thrones-season-3This Sunday Game of Thrones is back! I can’t truly express how excited I am for this, but it should come as no surprise that I am going to a viewing party representing House Nowak. It’s absurdly addictive and while the feminist in me wanted to be really upset about certain aspects (like how they share long exposition by having the brothel-owner talk while also instructing two of his whores as they are going down on each other or the ridiculous amount of doggie-style sex practiced by House Lannister, House Targaryen & House Baratheon – okay, everyone does it doggie-style on this show), I can’t help myself. This show is like crack-cocaine. Since this is a relationship/dating blog, I thought I’d marry the two and see the relationship lessons we’ve gleaned from this epic series. There is a lot of love, lust, marriage, secret relationships and more in this series…oh yeah, and dragons. Of course I love it. Let’s break down the

Game of Thrones Relationship Rules: (ALERT: spoilers if you’ve not seen season 1 & 2)

tumblr_mexotz8XmZ1qzd8cbo1_5001. Doggie-styling Child Brides = Love

I don’t think any of us were prepared for the deep love the lovely (and very young) Princess Daenerys Targaryen would feel when she was forced to marry Khal Drogo, leader of the Dothraki. Their wedding night was kind of rapey. Not that every young child bride of arranged marriages didn’t experience this awkward, harsh reality. But few (especially those of us who haven’t read the books) expected sweet Daenerys (Khaleesi) to fall for the brutish Khal. It actually got pretty hot and heavy between them with Khaleesi referring to Khal as “my sun and stars.” While I do think it’s misleading to think that arranged marriages with child brides is the way to go for super passion and love, Khal and Khaleesi made it work.

tumblr_inline_mhnvuqkx1W1qz4rgp2. Incest is sexy

I’m not saying I think incest is sexy, but there is a whole lot of it on Game of Thrones. Cersei Lannister Baratheon and her brother Jamie Lannister are all over each other. They even had a child (Joffrey) that Cersei has passed off as the king’s son (good thing the king died). Since Joffrey is such a sadistic prick, I think it does have an underlying message that incest is bad. Then again, Theon Greyjoy was more than happy to finger his sister. No matter how you slice it, this show is all about some incest and inappropriate touching.

got-32262607155430782883. “Love the One You’re With” Doesn’t Really Work

There are a lot of people married, forced to marry, or betrothed to people, they really don’t like. It gets confusing, so let’s break it down:

Poor, sweet Sansa (Ned Stark’s daughter) is betrothed to Joffrey, who we’ve already mentioned is a evil, little shit. Seriously, how he hasn’t been killed yet? I hate this guy. Luckily Sansa is trying to make a break for it, and Joffrey has his sights on another girl (Margaery).

Margaery knows all about unrequited love since she was was married to Renly Baratheon – who was gay and in love with Margaery’s brother.

Cersei Lannister was forced to marry the King, Robert Baratheon, but never stopped longing for her “Flowers in the Attic” relationship with her brother Jamie Lannister.

Robb Stark, son of the executed Ned Stark and now leader of the Northern armies, his mother arranged Robb’s marriage to some creepy old guy’s sad-looking daughter because they needed to cross the creepy-guy’s bridge. However, that didn’t stop Robb from falling for a hot woman (Talisa) who tended to the wounded soldiers.

I know I’ve confused you, but basically everybody is with someone and pining for someone else. It’s all very soap-opery and I love it. Unrequited love? Star-crossed lovers? Forbidden love? I’m on board!

tumblr_m2jg6fUtXK1ql9wlvo1_12804. Secret Relationships are Super Sexy

See reason #3 because with all the arranged marriages and forced alliances, everybody is hiding their secret lover from someone.

Tyrion Lannister (the amazing Peter Dinklage) has successfully hidden his relationship with the prostitute Shae from his sister Cersei, who’s lack of open love for her brother Jamie has turned her into a rather ruthless bitch. Cersei would surely kill, torture or maim Shae if she knew. Gotta love the sibling rivalry that incest causes.

As we mentioned Robb loves Talisa, and even had a secret wedding to marry her, but we know Robb’s mom is going to be super pissed about this and how it effects his arranged marriage to the bridge-guy’s daughter. Robb is probably the hottest guy on the show, so I’m okay if a love-triangle needs to happen here.

I think Khaleesi’s right-hand man, the British guy Jorah, is totally harboring a huge crush on Khaleesi, and if it were modern times he’d be regularly stalking her facebook page. I’m waiting for this guy to make his move.

We all know about Cersei and Jamie Lannister’s brother-sister affair. It’s actually not that secret anymore since most of the court at King’s Landing seems to have figured it out, but technically no one is encouraging or endorsing the Queen to be in love with her brother.

Finally Stannis Baratheon did fail to take over in his attack of King’s Landing, and he doesn’t really hide his guidance from the weird, red-headed psychic who should have the Eagles “Witchy Woman” played every time she comes on screen. But Stannis is married so he tries to keep it a secret that he likes to bang his witchy woman in his war room on top of maps and models of conquered land.

littlefinger5. Pimps Need Love Too

Littlefinger (or as we all know him, Carcetti from The Wire) runs the brothel in King’s Landing. When he’s not watching and instructing his prostitutes on proper technique, or merely watching his clients get blowjobs from his whores (yes, this happens on HBO), he is harboring a secret love for Catelyn Stark. She was married to Ned Stark (played by Sean Bean, who surely no man can really follow) and is mother to Robb Stark, Sansa, Arya, Bran and Rickon. Those last three are too young for romantic entanglements just yet, but Littlefinger reminds us that yes, it’s possible to hold a flame for a really, long time. Littlefinger’s love for Catelyn mirrors the Snape-love-for-Lily-Potter storyline that I really hope pays off soon. Either way, it’s a reminder to us all that pimps (and Slytherins) need love too.

Wow, I really geeked it up there using a Harry Potter reference to make my Game of Thrones point. Whew. Either way, “it’s complicated” is an understatement for the tangled love webs happening on this show. No matter what, I’ll be watching (and probably tweeting and more blogging) starting Sunday!

 

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