Halloween: Ghosts, Ghouls, Goblins and…Romance?
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The lights were dimmed. I snuggled close to my beloved and he put his arm around me. Delicious food was waiting in front of me. A romantic date? A candlelit dinner, perhaps?
Nope. A Sunday afternoon showing of Paranormal Activity 3.
As Megan previously noted, I am quite the connoisseur of all things horror and horror related. If it’s even remotely scary, I’m on board. So, it may be fair to say that I’m a tad biased. However, I’d still argue that Halloween is one of the most romantic days of the year. More romantic than even Valentine’s Day.
Stifle those shocked gasps for a moment, please. I know that Valentine’s Day’s raison d’etre is to be the embodiment of love and romance. However, Halloween’s magic is quieter, more subtle and even a little darker.
Scary movies are the perfect opportunity to snuggle up with the object of your affection. Even if they aren’t actually that scary, you can still leap into his lap when the opportunity presents itself. Are you being too forward? Nah, you were just really affected by the spooky story unfolding on screen.
Likewise, taking a tour of your local haunted house provides the perfect excuse to get closer. You’ve got to hold hands in a haunted house, right? It’s practically required!
Halloween is also very closely associated with candy, but unlike Valentine’s Day, it’s actually good candy! None of those chalky little hearts or assorted chocolate in a heart shaped box (seriously, over half of those things are gross. Why not just fill an entire box with GOOD chocolate?). Nope, Halloween is a time for candy corn and miniature versions of your favorite candy bar. Total win! And, gentlemen, I’m guessing that a bag of fun size Milky Ways is cheaper than a heart shaped box of possible nasty. Who doesn’t love a bargain?
Always fancied you and your man to be a modern day Cleopatra and Marc Anthony or Brad and Angie? Halloween is the perfect time to show that off to the world! There are hundreds of great couples costume ideas out there. You know that you’re the perfect couple and, for one day a year, the whole world can revel in your awesomeness!
One more thing for the pro-Halloween column: many times, scary movies and scary stories acknowledge love for what it can occasionally be: scary. I’ve had friends swear up and down that The Notebook is the most romantic movie ever made, but what about Let the Right One In? That’s some intense love, right there! Sure, there’s also blood sucking and murder involved, but we all do crazy things for our paramours, don’t we? Love can make us feel unstable, intensely passionate, and sometimes even a little crazy. Those are all perfect horror movie emotions.
As October 31st draws closer take any opportunity you can to create a little “love magic” with your sweetheart. Be it snuggling during a scary movie, sharing a bag of candy or maybe even partaking in a haunted hayride or two, there’s no such thing as a bad reason to cuddle. Happy Halloween!
The Zeros Field Guide
The Ambiguously Gay Guy
[conflictious sexualous or homus streisandticus]
A chameleon-like variety of man which causes confusion and frustration in prospective mates; this species tends toward cleanliness, vanity and an inexplicable love of footwear.
See: Ryan Seacrest
The Manslut
[masculus rakehellious]
A feral variety of the male species, known for copulating with a large variety of females. Indigenous to nightclubs, frat houses, and often found in close proximity to reflective surfaces, this nomad is frequently found in packs of other Mansluts. This animal uses its appearance and charms to lure its prey.
Synonyms: Gonorrhea Boy, Mario Lopez or Colin Farrell.
The Verbal Masturbator
[oralivis beat-offitum]
This species spends most of his time with others talking only about himself. Believing his every move is important and must be regaled, and do so, loudly and repeatedly, especially to the woman he believes so lucky to be his date. His unique hearing seems to only be able to discern accolades and the sound of his own voice above everything else.
The Dead Electrician
[disappearaveatum inexplicti]
A rare breed of males that after spending happy, fulfilling, seemingly normal times with a wonderful woman, disappears off the face of the earth and never calls again. Signs of dead electrician disappearing behavior come in coded messages such as ‘I’ll call you later,’ “Let’s make plans for this weekend,” or “I’ll call you Friday when I’m on my way over.”
The Cheapskate
[dutch-treaticus infinitum]
A variety of male that hordes its resources to the detriment of its mate.
The Mirage
[perfectus prevaricatum]
Projects the image of perfection, luring unsuspecting females to the parched dessert of disappointment and despair.
The Big Talker
[bullshitkus perfectus]
An intuitive form of chameleon, this breed can accurately access the needs of potential mates and will verbalize his intentions to meets these needs. He will meet none of these needs.
The “Nice” Guy
[politea blanditus or pleasantillum lacklustericium]
A common species of man that suffers from delusions of nicety as the reason of their inability to secure a mate. Have an inability to admit to their other characteristics such as needy, boring, insecure, socially awkward or bad in bed.
The Virtual Man
[texticus ad nauseus]
The species creates an impression of closeness called a Virtual Relationship through near constant indirect communication. This specifically modern species of man is known for poor grasp of spelling and grammar, and also known for expressing all feelings through emoticons. Anthropologists suspect this genus will, over time, develop engorged thumbs due to excessive texting and may die out do to no actual physical interactions.
The Little Friend
[minusculis shaftivitum]
A species known for their expensive modes of transport, they are endowed with a penis of inadequate size. While this alone does not make them an undesirable potential mate, it doesn’t help. Often this species will attempt to overcompensate their unfortunately small member with an unfortunately large ego.
The Jockstrap
[sporticus obssesum]
The specific male species so obsessed with a sport, their team, their fantasy football league, fantasy baseball league and sports center updates that they have little time for reproduction or even copulation. Experts recognize this species by the excess hot wing consumption and empty pizza boxes littering their female free abodes. Can often be heard from a distance yelling, screaming or cursing their beloved teams.
The Closeted Addict
[bacanalus coverti]
Known for his ability to ingest large amounts of questionable, and often illegal, substances, while giving little indication of this behavior.
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