Inappropriate sexual advice for teens: Lesson 11comment
Since the level of sex education in schools hasn’t progressed much further than adults telling kids ‘don’t have sex’ and as speaking about condoms to teenagers is still inexplicably controversial, I thought I would offer up a little unsolicited (and potentially inappropriate) sexual advice to all the teenagers out there*.
Lesson 1: Why teenage boys should stop calling girls sluts:
Yesterday, we posted an article asking the question ‘what makes a slut?’ In that article, Claudia mentioned the first time she heard someone called a slut was in 8th grade. I’m guessing for a lot teenagers that moment comes a lot earlier. Which totally sucks. Figuring out sexuality is complicated enough without having to worry about being a social outcast.
If my anecdotal research is correct, most teenage boys think about sex constantly. They masturbate about as often as teenage girls apply lip gloss, whereas most teenage girls masturbate about as often as teenage boys apply lip gloss. Though girls think about boys all the time, their thoughts are typically more romantic than sexual. In part, this is because when it comes to hormones, boys and girls are very different. It isn’t until their late 20’s or early 30’s that most women turn into the kind of horndog that is typical for a 16-year-old boy. So when it comes to desire, teen girls want something very different from teen boys. Of course I’m generalizing, but few girls in their early teens are interested in having sex (hence the obsession with asexual Justin Beiber-types). When girls get into their mid teens, some are interested in taking things further than kissing, but very few are thinking “Damn, I really need to get laid”. Which can make for some very frustrated teenage boys.
All of which leads me to my argument of why boys should never call a girl a slut. The main function of the word ‘slut’ is to shame a person for being too sexual. If you are a horny boy, why would you want to shame someone for putting out?
Many girls actually have a very good reason to label other girls sluts; if they aren’t ready to have sex themselves (And when I say sex, I’m including oral sex in that), it behooves them to make it socially unacceptable for other girls to do so. As long as having sex makes you a slut, most girls are going to be resistant to do it (or at least resistant to anyone else finding out she has). And as long as other girls aren’t doing it, they’ll be less pressure on you to do it. So though I am not in favor of mean girl behavior, if a girl isn’t ready to have sex, labeling a sexually active classmate a slut makes sense from a self-defense standpoint. I don’t condone it, but I understand why it happens.
A boy calling a girl a slut, however, makes no sense at all. As a teenage boy, if you are interested in getting laid (or a blowjob), the last thing you should do is make a girl feel bad about doing what you’re hoping someone will do for you.
Unless, of course, you don’t really want it. Sometimes there is a difference between wanting something and actually being ready to get it. Just because your hormones are telling you that you want to get laid, doesn’t mean that your head or heart is ready for the reality of sex. Sex isn’t just a physical act. There are all kinds of consequences that are hard to think about when your hormones are in overdrive. I’m not only talking about pregnancy and disease (which are very real possibilities). Sex complicates things and it okay not to be ready for those complications.
But let’s say you are a teenage boy who thinks he is totally ready to have sex. Here is my advice to help make that a little more likely to happen… be the kind of guy who will not tell anyone. Not even your best friend. Also, don’t put a lot of pressure on the girl – the key is to be confident without being aggressive. There are a lot of girls who would be open to a little sexual exploration if a) they knew they wouldn’t be pressured to go all the way and b) it wouldn’t cause them to be known as a slut. Assuring a girl that you respect her, that you don’t want her to do anything she doesn’t want to do, and that whatever the two of you end up doing will be kept completely confidential, might just be the aphrodisiac she’s been looking for. I know boys like to have their locker-room talk, but would you rather be the guy that your friends think is having sex or be the guy who actually is having sex?
The Cliffnotes: When a guy calls a girl a slut, he is really shooting himself in the foot (or dick). So if you ever want to get laid, don’t do it.
*The first piece of advice is read our article The Blowjob Generation, It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone gets cancer.