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02
September

Shark Night 3D & Other Awesomely Bad Shark Movies

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Not only does this weekend bring a much needed 3-day holiday (woo-hoo!), it’s the release of Shark Night 3D.  Nothing like seeing hot 20-somethings get ripped to shreds before half of us spend Labor Day  near a large body of water. Great.  Ever since Spielberg unleashed Jaws on us, who hasn’t had a little shark fear when they get in the water? My sister used to scare the pee out of me out in our pool by singing the theme from Jaws, and our pool was only 5 ft deep.

Turns out, our shark fascination/fear is quite marketable. The Discovery Channel has taken it to another level – if there is someone with a shark story, a part of their body maimed or missing from a shark attack, or is just game enough to go into that metal tank, a Discovery camera crew is there to capture it.  I used to live with a shark fanatic. He’d been diving in the Caribbean with reef sharks and watched from an underwater tank as Great Whites fed on seals in the Farallon Islands.  Once I even went on a shark dive with him, chumming bloody fish guts off the side of a boat while he and his fellow shark-enthusiasts were lowered in a cage. I’m not going to lie, even from the relative safety of the boat, seeing a fin, even a small fin, cut the water is fucking scary. I have a fairly decent shark fascination, which has led to my watching an unfortunate amount of shark-related movies.  Previously I’ve admitted my addiction to bad tv, bad romantic comedies, horror films and now I must admit my shark fascination. I think it’s safe to say, I watch a lot of crap.

My favorite thing about shark movies is the fake science used to explain these crazed shark attacks.  There is a fair amount of bizarre cancer research, sometimes radioactive stuff dumped into water creating evil sharks, hybrid sharks that scientists have morphed with other creatures, and there is always room for a “rogue” shark. The range of bullshitty reasons to unleash an unstoppable killing machine on a beach community is never-ending.  If you haven’t watched the SyFy channel for some seriously hilarious shark films, you’re missing out.

So here are my So Bad They’re Awesome Shark Films

 Jaws 4: The Revenge

My dad took my sister and I to see Jaws 4: The Revenge in the theater (in my dad’s defense, he believed if a movie had Michael Caine in it, it must be good). This is about a revengeful shark. Apparently, as the Brodys had killed each individual shark in Jaws, Jaws 2 and Jaws 3D, this particular shark wanted to avenge the deaths of it’s clan, like some aquatic mafioso. But did I mention Michael Caine? Horrible, but kind of fun film.

Deep Blue Sea

LL Cool J and Samuel L. Jackson in a shark movie? Awesome.  This one really stretches the fake science part – in an effort to cure Alzheimer’s, researchers (of course this includes the prerequisite hottie) genetically engineer some Mako sharks, inadvertently making them super smart – and well, it all goes to hell. This movie may have the best death scene ever preceded by an epic speech-of-crap. I have two words (well two words and one initial) to prove my point. Samuel L. Jackson

Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy

Wow – the SyFy Channel really kicked it up a notch with this masterpiece. If your dad is a mad scientist and you get cancer, how else is he going to cure you without merging shark cells with your human cells? Good plan, until you turn your son into a half shark/half man whose only revenge is killing hot 20-somethings.  Brilliant.

Shark Attack 3: Megaladon

This one is pretty self explainatory – Megeladon is a shark the size of a Boeing 747. It can eat an entire apartment complex in one bite. This clip says it all. And it’s a lesson in ladies-first and not stealing bad actresses’ lifevest. (This might be my favorite clip!)

Jaws 3D

Unleash a Great White into a Sea World theme park and you’ve got Jaws 3D.  Call me crazy but I think if a Great White gets into your water park, despite the costs, you shut down the park. But I’m overly cautious like that. This was the early 80’s, so the shark is ridiculously fake looking, but with some decent actors, they were really trying. I think it’s better than Jaws 4, but it doesn’t have Michael Caine, so it might just tie.

Sharktopus

This one made the list for best fake science ever. Nothing like a secret military plan to create the perfect killing machine (a half shark, half octopus) gone horribly awry. Not to mention Eric Roberts. Did I say best/worst movie or what?

Having not yet seen Shark Night 3D, I can’t speak to it’s awesome/badness. Based on the premise alone (madman intentionally stocking a salt water late with sharks in order to torture attractive teens), I’m anticipating having to amend my list to include it in the future.

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4 Responses to “Shark Night 3D & Other Awesomely Bad Shark Movies”

  1. September 2, 2011 at 11:00 am

    Sharktopus fucking rocked it! I LOVE that film (it’s not a movie – it’s f’ing cinema).

  2. Megan Gray September 2, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    Deep Blue Sea is so awesomely bad it inspired In Flight Movie’s lyric “If you were a movie I wouldn’t watch you, for fear your were Renny Harlin’s Deep Blue Sea” (Super tacky to be quoting myself, ah well).

    But nothing can beat Hammerhead. The scene when the dad/scientist realizes the monster he’s created (son’s body, hammerhead shark head) and the big emotional moment is him yelling “PAUL!!!!”. Epic.

  3. Megan Gray September 2, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    AND, Deep Blue Sea features not only one of the best speech-o-crap + death scenes, but also one of my favorite ‘justifying getting the hot girl naked’ devises in all of moviedom… Saffron is going to fry the shark, so she has to take off her wetsuit so that she had stand on it, grounding herself to avoid electrocution. Genius!

  4. Elisabeth Fitzgerald September 2, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    DEEP BLUE SEA for the WIN! Best bad shark movie eva. A shark bites off an arm! After jumping out of the water! And Stellan Skarsgaard! Now I just want to watch it again.

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