We dated the Zeros… so you don’t have to.


The Rules for an Epic Girls’ Vegas Weekend!


britney-spears-piece-of-me-las-vegas-showThis weekend I’m going to a bachelorette party in Vegas that includes the Britney concert. I don’t know if we can get more girlie than that. While drinking with our bride, we’ll also be working “Oops I Did it Again,” or “Work Bitch” into the conversation whenever possible. Mock all you want, but it will be an epic girl’s weekend!

I’ll admit that I wasn’t always the biggest Britney fan, but I own a lot of her hits, enjoy a Britney mashup on the dance floor, and no matter what happens to her (quickie marriage, head shaving, babies, marries a douchebag… she’s had more tragedies or scandals than a Russian novel), you can’t deny that Britney keeps getting up and moving forward. And I like that.

So a girl’s weekend in Vegas is about to begin and while Las Vegas always seems to conjure up images of men behaving badly (The Hangover, Swingers, the Rat Pack, bachelor parties, overused phrases like “What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas” or “Vegas, baby, Vegas.”, etc.) we rarely see the girl’s side of things. As I embark on a girl’s weekend in Vegas (my 6th in the last two years), I have a few rules. These rules are here to help – take some, leave others. I can’t say if they are 100% reliable. They are merely based on my own silly, sometimes random, but always memorable Vegas experiences.

imagesWhen in Doubt, Wear Sequins

I don’t know how or why it started, but there are things you’ll wear going out where you live, and then there are the things you’ll wear in Vegas. Dresses get shorter, heels get taller, boobs get bustier. Aside from a killer Christmas party or New Year’s Eve, I never wear sequins. Yet, when I pack for Vegas, sequins seem appropriate and wise. I should admit I now own a pair of sequined pajama pants which scream “Daytime in Vegas attire” so I’m definitely packing them!

 imgresIf you Gamble, Go During the Day

By no means am I a gambler. I wish I was. But I am a quick learner, and I know how/when to do it (this applies to women… sorry guys, you’re on your own). Walk up to a craps or blackjack table  (you’ve got the best odds at these two) in the middle of the day and watch for a few hands. Men usually love to teach women how to do things (whether we need instruction or not). This is the time to take advantage of that. I shelve my notions of sexism when in Vegas and focus on winning money. During the day, it’s less packed, people are more casual, the tables aren’t crowded and if you don’t feel 100% confident on how to play, the old guys are happy to help you learn. Ask questions but do not upset the other players. You’ll be surprised. Everyone at that table is there to beat the casino. If you sit down at a blackjack table and don’t take valuable cards hitting recklessly, listen to the old guys, smile and have fun – you’ll do okay. Well, sometimes. Vegas is a fickle bitch.

Stick With the Girls

Men prey on women in Vegas. You’re constantly being sized up, and somehow men seem to think every woman in Vegas just might be a prostitute. Who knows? Maybe they are so over-sexed with go-go dancers, strip clubs, topless shows, and the idea that whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Whatever the reason, it’s wise to stick with your girls. I’m not trying to be a hook up Debbie-downer, I’m just saying hooking up in Vegas makes me think of the beginning of a horror film. And Chlamydia. Have a great time, just be careful.

imgres-1Keep Dancing

One way not to spend all your money and have an amazing time (and a pretty decent workout) is to dance. I feel like the older I get, the less dancing is in my life – except when I go to Vegas.  I love to dance at nightclubs. Dancing is also a good remedy to avoiding a vicious hangover the next morning.


Cab Drivers are Your Friend

I know some ex Vegas Showgirls. And while they have a million amazing stories, one interesting tidbit is to trust the cab drivers. According to them, cab drivers know what the best clubs are on each particular night. (Unfortunately this can’t be said about LA cab drivers.)

If you Win at the tables one night, don’t go Back

Vegas gives you one night, if you’re lucky.  If you play Texas Hold ‘Em, poker, blackjack, craps – whichever it is, you get one chance at winning. If you have a great night and win some money, don’t go back the second night. Even if you have a good time on the slots and win money, walk away. They’ll take it back and more if you try to repeat it. Or watch Casino and learn your odds are always dramatically dwindling the longer you keep playing.

And Finally….

Never drink Ass Juice

I know this sounds obvious. That’s what I would have said.  Except you may end up at a dive bar where their official drink is “Ass Juice” and it’s only $4. And then you may think ordering it is funny and ironic. You may think you can handle your liquor. You can’t. You’ll only end up puking at the Jack in a Box in Barstow during the middle of the day, while you overhear a little girl tell her Mommy that you’re gross. But that’s just what I’ve heard.

However, Vegas wouldn’t be Vegas wouldn’t breaking some rules. I tend to break the gambling one every time. But have a blast. (I’ll be back with a Britney update!) Get your girls together and go to Vegas. You won’t regret it. But trust me on the ass juice.


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