What To Do When Your Friend Dumps You5comments
I was in complete denial when I was dumped by one of my closest friends. I just thought (let’s call her Tracy) Tracy was busy and our schedules were opposite. Just to give you some history, about six years ago Tracy quickly became one of my good friends. We’d met through my old roommate and while we’d always seen each other at parties and group events, we were just casual acquaintances. Then Tracy moved into my neighborhood. Just three blocks away, we quickly became new best friends. We went running together, made dinner together, went to movies together, etc. She even got me a job with one of her friends. We were inseparable. Even when she started seeing a new guy and he quickly moved in, the three of us hung out all the time. Tracy and I had tons in common, lots of mutual friends, and very similar personalities. So when she asked me to co-officiate her wedding, I was honored. I thought that the day I eventually got married, she would be standing there for me. I never imagined a day would come when we had blocked each other from facebook, didn’t speak to each other, and should we run into each other at social occasions, the bare minimum of civility is all either of us can muster. Even describing that (which is very true) is sad. But I was friend dumped.
I didn’t see it coming, and to this day, I’m not exactly sure why it happened. We never had a falling out. There was no disagreement or issue over money or men. In fact, when she started to drift away, I tried everything to salvage it. I’d call and try to hang out, but she was either not returning my calls or texting me about how “crazy busy” her life was. In a desperate email, I asked her if there was anything I’d done. If I’d hurt her feelings in any way I was sorry, and we should get together and talk about whatever was going on. I considered showing up on her doorstep and demanding to know what was going on. But I realized unannounced visits only happened in sitcoms, and I didn’t think I could bare a straight out admission of her dumping me.
One day I bumped into her in my neighborhood. She was carrying a tub of pinkberry and seemed happy and relaxed, until she saw me. “Tracy!” I yelled out. Excitedly I hugged her, and was happy just to see her. I was still hoping we could fix whatever was going on. I told her how much I missed her and asked if we could schedule coffee or lunch to hang out. Then she said probably the best-worst excuse for not hanging out with a friend ever. When I mentioned lunch she said,
“I have to do my taxes. I’m really caught up with taxes, so… yeah, I don’t know when I can do lunch.”
Taxes? I got dumped and the best excuse was taxes? Wow. If that didn’t scream loud and clear that she didn’t want to have anything to do with me, nothing else would. I nursed my wounded pride all the way home and vowed to never look back. But I did. A lot. I bitched to all of my friends, stalked her facebook page wondering why she was doing all of that fun stuff without me, and grilled our friends we had in common with ‘what went wrong,’ ‘what did I do,’ ‘why does Tracy hate me,’ ‘what happened!!’ No one had no clue what happened, and no one wanted to ask. After a lot of beating myself up and feeling shitty about myself, I came to some realizations. So while I know being friend dumped is the worst, here are some things to remember to get through it.
1. It’s Not a Character Assassination on You
I dragged myself through the mud coming up with a million reasons why Tracy didn’t want to be my friend. Don’t do this. It sucks. Coming up with reasons why people don’t like you is like mental self-flogging. It’s painful and crippling. You didn’t do anything wrong. People change and as much as it hurts, we don’t always change together. While it’s hard, you have to remember that you’re a good friend and it’s her loss if she has chosen this route.
2. Delete Her as A Facebook Friend
This may sounds petty, I recommend this for your own sanity. I would spend time looking at Tracy’s facebook pictures really bummed that I wasn’t part of her life. There are so many studies that facebook makes us feel worse about ourselves and looking at profiles of old friends is probably why. If Tracy didn’t want me in her life, then she wasn’t going to be in mine. I didn’t want her to know my new job, the new guy in my life, my trip to Greece, or other fun things happening to me. Because trust me, even if she’s dumped you, she’ll check you out on facebook too. We all do it. So block her and move on. You don’t need to know.
3. Focus on Your Friends
I wasted so much time depressed about Tracy. I honestly think I mourned this breakup more than most of my breakups with men. I think we are prepared in life for relationships to end, but not friendships. Elisabeth wrote about this in her post Breaking Up is Hard to Do. I found myself complaining to my friends about her all the time. Until one day, I realized all the friends I did have in my life and that my post-Tracy life, I have so many more incredible new friends. My life is more full and joyous than ever before, and if being dumped got me that. Then thank you Tracy. I decided to focus on the people that want to be a part of my life, that support me, love me, and make me happy. And now, looking back, my friendship with her seems small and trivial.
4. You’re Not Alone
I felt like such a loser admitting to people that we weren’t friends anymore. We’d been so close that people would ask me all the time, “How’s Tracy?” and I would embarrassingly mumble, “She’s good… I guess.” But once I started talking about it, other women would tell me about their friendships that had combusted. It made me realize that I wasn’t a loser, a bad friend, or a horrible person. These things happen. In fact, it’s fairly common amongst women to have this happen. Sometimes bigger issues break up a friendship, sometimes life causes people to drift apart, or sometimes it’s as sudden and weird as this.
5. Kiss Closure GoodBye
When any type of relationship goes sour, we crave closure. Because when someone does something to us, we demand to know why. While I understand this need, you have to let it go. Somethings don’t make sense. Some people won’t like us. Tough truths, but helpful to remember. While it hurts that someone so close to us could decide to end our friendship, you have to accept it. Make a little ritual if need be. Burn their name. Throw away photos. Delete their number from your phone. Whatever you need for some resolution, do it. But understand that you aren’t getting that Come to Jesus conversation where she realizes the error of her ways and begs forgiveness. It’s over and the sooner you let it go, the happier you will be. Trust me.
6. Find the Bright Side
As I plan my wedding this year, thrilled about the mix of family and friends that will be there to celebrate with me. I think to myself how very lucky and loved I am. I also found an officiant who I’ve never met before because Tracy can dump me and delete me from her life, but I will always be in her wedding pictures. Isn’t karma is a bitch?