We dated the Zeros… so you don’t have to.


When did we stop kissing just to kiss?


elliott-erwitt-web_1955When writing about real relationships, be they my own or those of my friends, I work hard to change the details enough so that I maintain the anonymity of the people in question, but when I write about my own relationship, my husband doesn’t get the same protection. This doesn’t happen too often, as most of the articles I write are about crappy relationships. I love my guy and we are pretty damn happy, which is why most of my personal articles are about my ex-boyfriends. Whenever I’m writing about my marriage, particularly anything that could possibly be construed as really intimate, I always check in with my guy to make sure he doesn’t have a problem with anything I’m about to reveal to our readers – which includes his mother (Hi mom!).

Such was the case a few nights ago. I gingerly brought up the subject of today’s article while we were having dinner. I say gingerly not because my guy is particularly touchy about being the subject of my writing – in fact I don’t think he’s ever asked me to change anything I’ve written about him – but because one could read into the subject a touch of criticism or complaint on my part, and I figured the first he heard of it shouldn’t be on the internet.

The conversation went a little something like this:

“So, I was about to start writing Monday’s article, but wanted to check with you first,” I began. He could hear the hesitation in my voice and looked appropriately dubious. “Have you ever noticed…“ I paused, wanting to find the least critical way of phrasing my subject. “”Have you ever noticed that once you get married, or, really, are in any long-term committed relationship, you never just kiss anymore?”

“We kiss all the time,” he said.

“True, we do kiss all the time,” I replied, “but most of the kisses are just glorified pecks. I’m talking real kisses. With tongue. Once tongue is involved in a kiss, that pretty much guarantees we’re going to have sex. I don’t mean to offend you, but with us now-a-days, tongue equals nudity.”

“Oh, I’m not offended at all.” He said, amused. “That’s totally true. It’s one of the main reasons to get married.”

“One of the main reasons to get married is that you don’t have to kiss me unless you’re going to get laid?” I asked, a tad defensively.

“No. One of the main reasons to get married is so that I get to kiss you and get laid.”

“I like kissing you,” I said.

“I like kissing you too,” he said. “I like it so much that it makes me want to have sex with you.”

I harumphed. “I’m not saying I don’t like the kissing that leads to sex,” I said. “I’m just saying that it might be nice to sometimes have some kissing for the sake of just kissing.”

Later that evening, as I was getting ready for bed, my guy came in and gave me a kiss – the real kind. Just was we were getting into it, he pulled back, patted me on the shoulder and said, “That was great, thanks,” and then walked away. I nearly swallowed my tongue I laughed so hard. He came back and he kissed me again. And then we totally did it.

The next day I started writing this article, but had to stop to go to our neighbors’ going away party. At the party I cornered a few of the ladies and decided to ask them if we were the only couple for whom kissing tends to equal sex. All of the wives that I asked said it was exactly the same with them… it had been a long time – years – that any of us had been really kissed just for the sake of kissing.

“Oh yeah,” said one of my neighbors. “When you’re married, heavy petting goes out the window.”

Another one said, “It has been so long that it would almost be weird.”

Part of me was glad that me and my guy were not the only ones. But another part of me was a little bummed. As much as I like sex, and am glad that my guy wants to have sex with me, I’d also like him to just want to kiss me. Or would I? I’ll admit, if I kissed him and he stopped me from taking things further with a “Can’t we just kiss and snuggle?”, I would probably feel a bit rejected. So maybe I’m a hypocrite.

What about you?

A Zeros Before the One Poll

For those of you who have been in a relationship for a long time… do you ever just kiss? And if not, do you miss it?

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