We dated the Zeros… so you don’t have to.

07
February

When Women Are Zeros: How To Notice the Red Flags

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I’m a firm believer that people show you their true colors fairly quickly in dating, most of us are just too excited to see them.  However, missing clues isn’t the same as there being no clues.  So here is one for the men.  And women back me up because I think these are clues we see, that men often don’t.

Recently I talked to a guy about his “crazy” ex-girlfriend.  He said she had seemed like such a cool girl, like one of the guys, that he was shocked at her recent stalkerish behavior, and emotional outbursts. And then he uttered the line that to me (and any smart woman) is a red flag men need to learn. When they hear it, they need to really reevaluate the woman they are dating.  I’m serious. It’s that big of a red flag.  (Well reevaluate if it’s someone you’re are getting serious with but if the guy wants something casual… friends with benefits, it’s a vacation hookup, it’s the girl he calls when he’s in town on business, etc… then well, enter at your own risk). But back to the red flag. It usually comes as an off-the-cuff statement said to impress the guy.  It will go a little something like this:

“I don’t really get along with girls. I get along more with guys.”

“I’ve always been a guy’s girl. All my friends are guys. I’ve just get along better than guys than girls.”
“Yeah, women get really jealous of me. I just don’t get along with women that well.”
“I’m more of a tomboy. I don’t hang out with women that much.”

Get the jist?  I’m not saying that there aren’t tomboys out there or women who have strong friendships with men.  However, the woman who says anything remotely similar to the the list above is sketchy.  Why?  What is this woman who “just gets along better with men than with women” is really saying? She’s more accurately saying:”I don’t build long-standing friendships with women built on trust, loyalty and honesty.”

“I’ve had “girlfriends” that I’ve either dumped for a guy, or I’ve stolen their boyfriend.”
“I place more importance on a guy than I do a friendship.”
“I think women are jealous of me because I act in a manner than makes women very uncomfortable.”

Women love other women!  We love similar tv shows, we talk forever about the growing hotness of Ryan Gosling, we have book clubs, we love coffee together, wine together, hiking together, almost any form of exercise class together, we love talking, shopping, did I mention we love talking. Why do you think we go to the bathroom together? Because even if we’ve talked for 8 hours, we still have more to talk about when men aren’t around.  I’m not saying all women are alike. And definitely some women are more social or gregarious than others.  But any cool chick worth your time as at least one good girlfriend.  And if she doesn’t, or she’s known her best girlfriend for less than a year and she’s not in the 10th grade? Red Flag.

Why are these Red Flag Girls unable to sustain female friendships?  Some women never had healthy relationships with their mothers or other women growing up.  Some women have been constantly rewarded for their looks/sexuality their entire life and aren’t comfortable not using it.   Also, any trauma or trust issues that happen early in life can really wreck a young girl’s ability to forge lasting relationships with other women and learn to trust them.  But it’s healthy and important to do so. And what she’s doing at 16, if continued at 26 or 36 is just unhealthy. Unhealthy for her, and unhealthy for the man she’s seeing.  I’m not dismissing strong relationships with men, or that women and men can’t be friends. Your boyfriend, husband, partner should be one of your best friends. He should be someone you share so much of yourself and your time with. He’s important, but even with an awesome relationship with a man, and that doesn’t mean you can’t and shouldn’t have amazing relationships with women.

Case in point? Courtney on “The Bachelor.” Courtney is the hot model who’s manipulative, conniving and creepy (seriously, she has a duckface). When not driving the women completely nuts, she sneaks into the Bachelor’s room, she gets naked and goes skinny-dipping, she prances around in a bikini, she takes any opportunity to take her clothes off, she sabotages the other women, etc.  I can hear a guy saying, “What’s wrong with that? She goes after what she wants? I’d totally want a hot, sexy woman making a play at me.” Of course a guy thinks that. In some ways Courtney is the perfect girl for a reality show because she gets that it’s a game.  She plays it like someone winning a prize.  However, what she’s doing is exactly what all the “I just don’t get along with other women” girls do, only she’s doing it on national television.  And sorry guys, all of these Red Flag Girls don’t go skinny-dipping, but you get the point.  Men are so flattered or turned on or excited at the attention, they can’t see that she’s a Red Flag Girl who presents a cool, fun, spontaneous, sexually open front. Then when she’s around women, she’s competitive and underhanded. Other women see this.

And why is that bad (I think any man reading this is still hung up on the naked part)?  Because once she has you and the skinny-dipping, catty behavior is no longer necessary, she’s an insecure girl with no other outlet.  A woman with no close friends, and a gaggle of ‘guy friends’ who want to move out of the friend zone?  You can see the problems, right?  You are the only one to talk her off the ledge. Not to mention, there is something healthy about hanging out with the girls and talking about all the stuff men don’t care about or just aren’t that good at discussing.  I’m not being sexiest. I just know I can have a fairly lengthy discussion about the Real Housewives, or Pinterest, or shopping for the right bra, or past boyfriends, or a million things that I just can’t have with my man.  And it’s not even about shallow conversation topics, there is something healthy about a relationship that will never be based on sex.  So buddy, you’re sexy “guy’s girl” can only talk about all these things with you. Enjoy her discussion of her new hair board on Pinterest. Fun times.

Also, because she functions as a somewhat untrustworthy woman, she won’t trust other women.  Try dating an incredibly hot, jealous woman. It’s called Fatal Attraction. I’ve discussed my problem of attracting crazy chicks as friends in the past.  I’ve tried numerous times to be friends to these type of women, and it’s a waste of time. They are usually highly defensive, manipulative, unwilling to cop to bad behavior and irrational.  They don’t play well with other women because other women can tell they aren’t worth playing with.  Women pick up clues really quickly about another woman’s intentions.  These no-girlfriend’s girls have their eye on the prize – and the prize is always a man. Any man. It could be a married man, their boss, their co-worker’s man, etc.  And these Red Flag Girls are usually very attractive and used to male attention. It is their strong suit, and trust me they use it.

Every chance I get, I give this advice to men: ask about her girlfriends.  Men will always talk about some crazy chick they dated, an ex-girlfriend that keeps trying to creep back in their life, or a current destructive relationship and I just ask “does she have a lot of girlfriends?”  Every time the answer is no.  Then it all makes sense to me.  Trust me.  If a woman says anything along the “I just don’t get along with other women” line in the first few dates, know she just raised her first red flag. Consider yourself warned.

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3 Responses to “When Women Are Zeros: How To Notice the Red Flags”

  1. February 7, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Interesting Stuff Claudia!

  2. Claudia Maittlen-Harris February 7, 2012 at 10:33 pm

    Thanks! I try.

  3. February 8, 2012 at 8:31 am

    So true!!

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