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Which Batman would win a cage match, and other important questions.


The Dark Knight Rises opens today and given that it is the final installment of the trilogy coupled with the fact that it is getting great reviews, it is bound to be a record-breaking box office event. Nolan’s Batman movies are so great that it is easy to forget we had a bunch of other Batman movies not too long ago. Those films ranged from good to hideous. The first two Tim Burton’s two movies, Batman (1989) and Batman Returns (1992) starred Michael Keaton, which was an unconventional casting choice that paid off. But then we had to suffer through the versions starring Val Kilmer in Batman Forever (1995) and then George Clooney in Batman and Robin. Those last two movies were awful, though you can’t necessarily blame that fact on Kilmer or Clooney. I’m not super familiar with Adam West’s Batman, so I decided to leave him out of the discussion. I’m sure purist would take issue with that decision. Then again I’m not sure how many Batman purists are on a dating/relationship site.

I thought we would look at the modern film Batmans and see how they stack up in a few different categories. (I haven’t seen The Dark Knight Rises, so I’m leaving that out of my ranking)

Best movie: I think we can all agree that Nolan’s vision of the Batman saga, as well as his amazing execution, is vastly superior to all the others. Then comes Tim Burton’s two films which were much less dark but were also a lot more fun. Ranking Batman Forever and Batman and Robin is tough – how to determine which is worse? I’m going with who’s suit had less prominent nipples. Here’s my order for the films:

  1. Batman Begins (though Heath’s Joker was amazing, the origin part of the first film is still my favorite)
  2. The Dark Knight
  3. Batman
  4. Batman Returns (Though I did love Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman, Devito’s Penguin grossed me out)
  5. Batman Forever
  6. Batman and Robin

Who was the best Batman? I’m going to go with the same order.

  1. Christian Bale
  2. Michael Keaton
  3. Val Kilmer
  4. George Clooney

Most datable to least datable Batman? Batman is not good boyfriend material. He’s tortured and a loner, and because he is Batman in secret, he’d also be lying to you constantly. You’d think he was cheating on you because of all the nights he’d cancel on you with little or no notice. If he has to chose between dinner with you and fighting for justice, he’ll always choose justice. Which is admirable, but would eventually get really loney. But which version of the masked crusader would the worst? Here’s my list from most dateable to least

  1. Michael Keaton
  2. George Clooney
  3. Val Kilmer
  4. Christian Bale

Christian Bale last? Yes. Though I think he is sexy as hell, I’m not thinking of what actor I’d date, but what version of Batman is the most datable. Bale’s Batman is so angsty, damaged and tortured that he’d be torture to date. And remember, when Val Kilmer played Batman, he wasn’t the bloated whale he is today.

Batman most likely to fall in love with Robin: Only one of these movies has a Robin, and that movie was the worst. As such, I’m not talking about falling in love with a particular Robin, just a theoretical Robin. There has long since been speculation and innuendo about the Batman/Robin relationship, so I figured I’d take a look at which one would be most likely to eventually come out of the closet. For me, that’s definitely Christian Bale’s Batman. I’m not saying that anything about Bale’s Batman seems gay. Not at all. If anything he seems completely non-sexual. He’s definitely the least convincingly interested in his love interests, so I’m going with him. I think Ryan Gosling would be a great Robin/lover to Christian Bale’s Batman. Wouldn’t they make a great crime fighting team by night? And they’d look great together at brunch the next morning. Make it happen, Hollywood!

Who would win in a Batman cage match? Here’s how I think it would go down. Bale would sit in the corner brooding. Clooney and Keaton would hang out chatting for a bit about travel, politics, etc. Kilmer would eventually annoy them all so much that they would all work together to shut him up. If they were somehow forced to fight Hunger Games style, I think Bale would take them all. Clooney and Keaton are much more cerebral than physical. Kilmer is too out of shape.


One Response to “Which Batman would win a cage match, and other important questions.”

  1. Elisabeth Fitzgerald July 20, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    I hate to be the one to point this out, but Robin was in Batman forever as well. ;-)

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