We dated the Zeros… so you don’t have to.


Who’s Not Wearing Underwear? Victoria’s Not-So-Secret


“Psst,” my fiancé  whispered, poking me.  “That girl over there? She’s not wearing any underwear.”

We were out at a bar and I had just taken a sip of my drink…which turned into a gulp.

“How do you know?” I asked.  “She’s sitting across from me and she uncrossed her legs.  It was like Basic Instinct.  I couldn’t not see it.”

Not to go all Carrie Bradshaw on you, but later that day (night?) I got to thinking:  Is it really that common for women to go around without underwear?  I mean, we’re talking about a crowded, social situation.  I’m not talking about going au naturale underneath your pajama pants.  I’m talking about wearing a short skirt in a nightclub.  I really don’t want to know what your bathing suit area grooming situation is.

It’s no secret that women’s undergarments have gotten smaller over the years.  We’re no longer wearing bloomers that come down to, or past, our knees.  We have options.  We can have as little or as much coverage as we choose.  And, I guess, we can choose no coverage at all.  I suppose that I’m probably more modest than most.  I’m a firm believer in keeping my bits and pieces covered.  Sassy underwear is one thing; no underwear is a horse of a different color.  It’s not really about modesty.  It’s not about girl on girl hate.  It’s not about sexism.  Let’s be honest: with the exception of Scottish highlanders, most men would be arrested for flashing their private areas in public.  So why do women think that it’s okay to do it?

I understand the desire to be sexy.  We’re taught that sexy is a good thing.  We’re supposed to use our feminine wiles to influence situations.  We learn that flirting can get you where you want to be. It’s not that femininity and sexiness are bad things.  They’re not.  It’s just that there is, nay there has to be, a fine line between sexiness and skankiness.  My guy wasn’t looking at little Miss Commando because she was so sexy he couldn’t take his eyes off of her.  There was nothing subtle about her.

We have a running gag in our house.  Our dog is quite fond of sleeping on the big bed.  He especially enjoys sleeping between his parents.  My fiancé and I joke that a real risk of sleeping our bed is rolling over in the middle of the night and then: WHACK! Pug butt.  It’s unavoidable.  You don’t want it, but suddenly, there it is.  Do women really want to be like that?  It’s not sexy.  It’s kind of a joke.  The night cumulated, as most things do, in a conversation with my sister.

“When did women stop wearing panties? I asked her.  “When did that become okay?”

“I don’t know,” she replied.  “Ask Britney.”

There you have it.  As much as I enjoy Britney Spears, she should not be the touchstone for our society, either in music or fashion.  Panties: for you and those around you.  You remain hygienic and no one needs to avert their eyes.  Everyone wins.


Elisabeth Fitzgerald

About the author: Elisabeth Fitzgerald

Elisabeth Fitzgerald is a Chicago born, Los Angeles based writer. In addition to writing fiction and non-fiction, she also works in the entertainment industry. When not holed up with a pen in her hand or a script at her side, she enjoys Tejano music, vintage clothing and tricking herself into exercising with yoga. Her dislikes catalog a number of prominent ZEROS.

Elisabeth has written 63 articles for us.

One Response to “Who’s Not Wearing Underwear? Victoria’s Not-So-Secret”

  1. November 7, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    Wow. Who taught you all those terrible things? I was never taught to “use my feminine wiles to influence situations.” Who says feminine wiles? What year is it? Why do you assume that a woman not wearing underwear wants people to know she’s not. Maybe your fiance was just looking somewhere he shouldn’t have been looking. Sure maybe if you don’t wear underwear you flash some people by accident who cares? Who cares if you do it on purpose even? It’s a vagina, half the population has them. Grow up. Also referring to her as “little miss commando” sound a lot like girl on girl hate to me.

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