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16
November

Why Are The Twilight Films So Unsexy?

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Today is the final film installment of the Twilight saga.  After this weekend, fingers crossed we hear a hell of a lot less about vampires, werewolves and the status of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson’s relationship.  Breaking Dawn: Part 2 bears down on our Thanksgiving holidays as millions of women and girls show up to just get this over with and see the long awaited vampire sex.  Yeah, I said it.  I’ve written before about how I begrudingly started reading the Twilight series.  Much like a bag of crappy Halloween candy, I couldn’t help myself and finished all the books.  In the 4th book, “Breaking Dawn”, Bella and Edward finally get it on – after getting married of course.  It’s always abundantly clear that a Mormon wrote this book.  Technically they had sex in Breaking Dawn: Part 1 but it was fairly pathetic.

In a quick recap, the last three movies have seen the awkard, dopey Bella (K Stew) fall for brooding, telepathic, vampire Edward.  Throw in a minor love triange with Jacob (Taylor Lautner) the werewolf, worldwide vampire issues (kind of like warring mob families), teenage love, a wedding, a pregnancy with a mutant (1/2 vampire & 1/2 human baby), and you’re all up to speed.  In this final installment, Bella is finally a vampire.  Thank God because the whole “I’m so awkward/why does Edward love me/I just like to wear converse and be obstinate” was getting OLD.

In the last movie, Bella and Edward finally had sex! Listen, when you invest in reading over 1500 pages of foreplay, you’re pretty much begging for them to have sex.  They waited until they got married (Edward’s decision), but he was afraid his vampire strength would be too much and he couldn’t control himself.  All that happened is she got a few bruises and pregnant.  She’s not the only woman to get those two things after sex, and no one’s been banging vampires but her.  So now that Bella is a vampire, audiences have been promised some pretty steamy vampire sex.  In the book they break beds and wreak havoc on furniture sets with their vampire sex strength, so well, I kind of want to see 9 1/2 weeks/Basic Instinct style stuff. Okay, maybe that sounds pervy, but really, it’s kind of what was promised. And when have I been afraid to sound pervy?

So imagine my excitement when I read that the latest film almost got an R rating!  We’ve been in tween fans adolescent age of PG-13 all these years, cause that’s going to help make a sexy vampire film. Ugh.  Come to find out it almost got the R rating because of a lot of violent vampire beheading scenes. WTF?  First, I’m sure teenagers see worse on The Walking Dead. Second, random beheadings aren’t really a crime issue spreading across the country so I’m pretty sure no one will be too influenced by ridiculous vampire behavior.  Third, if that’s all that got them in trouble with the ratings board, then the sex scenes are gonna suck.  The first Breaking Dawn sucked, so I don’t see this being any different.

It’s not that I’m so much of a perv, but vampires are inherently sexy.  They are basically amazing seducers, who attack their prey by sucking the blood from their neck.  Think of classic vampire films (Interview With The Vampire, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, The Lost Boys) and you’re dealing with sexy people.  Everybody wouldn’t dress up as a vampire at Halloween if it weren’t sexy!  In fact all those damn teeth and blood is what started turning everything into sexy outfits – vampire nurse became sexy nurse, vampire catholic schoolgirl became sexy catholic schoolgirl.  So excuse me for expecting them to raise the bar with a bunch of young hotties.  But no. Instead all of these films have about as much sex appeal as an episode of The Price is Right.  Edward, Bella, Jacob and the rest all look awkward and pained.  Sadly when you leave a massive film franchise in the hands of bad, inexperienced but attractive actors, all the vampire teeth and ab work in the world can’t make them good.  I’m just saying, if Edward were being played by Ryan Gosling, this would be an entirely different conversation.

According to the ratings board, this new film has  “sequences of violence including disturbing images, some sensuality and partial nudity.”  I have a feeling “some sensuality” will be awkward, slightly boring vampire sex.  And I’m starting to understand why Kristen cheated (too soon?).

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