We dated the Zeros… so you don’t have to.


With the Superbowl Upon Us – It’s a Fantasy League Wrap Up


Yes, I am a member of the US Weekly Fantasy League.  It’s just like a football fantasy league, only more girlie and fun. We draft celebrities and go head to head each week between which team’s drafted celebrities will be on the cover and inside the pages of US Weekly. Like football, our season starts in September.  But with no playoffs, the US Weekly Fantasy League has its “Super Bowl” over wine and tapas while receiving prizes and trophies.  Way more girlie and fun than football, right?  If you think this is too cheesy, bizarre, or obnoxious, please know some rad women are involved.
I find the team names evidence of this:
Suck My Dixon (not afraid to throw down her family name)
Team Vulvarine
Broken Pussy Finger (Saturday Night Fever reference, anyone?)
Schweddy Balls (that’s me)
Two Lohans, One Cup
36 and Pregnant (take that Teen Moms – some ladies don’t get knocked up in high school)
Fuck You Anne Hathaway (it’s personal with her)
Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Kunkaington (a personalized Kate Middleton mashup).
We all revel in the delicious, catty fun of it all.  However, this year was unlike any year I’d participated in.  The #1 draft pick was Kim Kardashian- no surprise there.  But the draft was before her fake-wedding bonanza, the breakdown of her “marriage,” and her shameless media promotion to make Kris Humphries the bad guy.  She was #1 when we all thought she was your average media whore.  Silly us.  Kim Kardashian (drafted by “36 and Pregnant”) didn’t just destroy all other teams, she obliterated us.  The winning team (with Kim K.) had a record of 13-1, the next closest was 8-6.   Remember in Independence Day when the spaceships just hovered over the national monuments, and foolish bystanders thought they came in peace?  Then they blew the shit out of everything?  That was Kim Kardashian in 2011. There was no one that could catch her.  Even if J.Lo was caught giving Ashton a blowjob while Demi Moore tweeted live pictures of it while simultaneously being Beyonce’s midwife tweeting pictures of B’s baby and vajajay – you couldn’t catch Kim Kardashian.  It was brutal.

Am I bitter? Of course. My first round draft pick, Angelina Jolie, who is usually good for at least 1 or 2 covers didn’t get me shit.  Even with her frail, breakable body, those mesmerizing lips, her sexy partner Brad and all those adorable kids? Nada.

Luckily our league is like a 5th grade soccer team. No one goes home empty handed. Everyone is nominated for at least one award.  While I surrendered my first place 2010 winning trophy to 36 & Pregnant with her Kardashian domination, I got two nominations and one win! Woo-hoo. (All nominations had a Kardashian theme since 2011 was definitely their year and because our Commish makes every Super Bowl dinner unique).

I won (as Schweddy Balls) the Kim Kardashian Love ‘Em and Leave ‘Em Award for most team changes.  I’m a fickle player and not afraid to ditch the like of Chaz Bono to pick up Kellen Lutz to capitalize on some sweet Twilight media blitz. (Or some such trade).

Sadly,  I lost out on the Bruce Jenner WTF Award for outstanding achievement in utter confusion.  My first win, was just math, this one was subjective.  I had stiff competition.  The nominees were:

Fuck You Anne Hathaway for dreaming she picked up Angelina Jolie’s hat and waking up in a panic.
Two Lohans, One Cup for dropping and adding Jennifer Garner and Scarlett Johansson three times in one day.

Schweddy Balls for neither knowing who was on her team nor who was available to be dropped/added.

It gets messy in the league and sometimes we all get a little confused. I lost this award to Fuck You Anne Hathaway.  I’m still jealous Angelina Jolie actually did her some good.

It was a good season.  While I’m still grumbling over Kim’s decimation, I’m just jealous I didn’t have the #1 draft pick.  36 & Pregnant, you earned the US Weekly Fantasy League Champion title.  But there is always next season.


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